I want to be a child again

Today has been hell. I was watching my bosses friends daughter. (I think she's 8.). She always ask me why I have to work, what I do, etc. You know, just the usual questions a kid ask. Then, she ask me what it's like to be 10 yrs. old. ...............

Well, I know what it was like for me to be 10 yrs. old. Of course, I didn't say that to her cause that would lead to more questions and I haven't quite reached that stage of verbally talking just yet. (only a little bit). So, what was I to tell her? I just told her that it's supposed to be fun. (I didn't know what to tell her. I had to come up with something and I know I didn't answer that as good as I should have.) It made me think....

When I was growing up, everything about me was controlled. My feelings, my clothes, my food, my friends, what time to wake up/go to bed, when I could talk, when I was to have fun, etc. Just everything. I don't really remember being a hyper child. This 8 yr old I was watching is always full of life and loves it and everything about it. I never liked being here. I always felt like I wasn't supposed to be here. It's a feeling I've carried with me up to this very day.

Then I got to thinking that, I want to be young again. I guess to try and change the way things were. Which I know is impossible. Suppose that's why I act like such a child. I do the things now that I never could as a child and creates problems for me. I get that hyper attitude and can't sit down. I throw temper tantrums. I love to go and play. I love cartoons that I loved as a child. I do act like a child and I hate it. I can't change my childhood only heal from it. So what is the point of me doing all this? It hurts that I'm only allowed to do it in my adult years when I'm supposed to be responsible. I want to be that little 8 yr old girl. She is what I wanted to be when I was a kid.

Her mom loves that little girl with all the love she has to give. I want that mom. I try and earn mom's love still at 22 yrs. old and still working on it. I can't give up that she won't ever feel that way about me cause then it would be the reality of my parents don't love me. I'm unloved and I don't want to face that. No way...I refuse.

I guess I'm just feeling sorry for myself..I dunno.I want the things I didn't have but never gonna get that. I want to be able to look back on my childhood and be happy and satisfied rather than feeling the pain of what I went through and the unhappiness it leaves me with.

FUKITOL

If only you could really buy that. Things have been hell at work. Yesterday, my boss gives me shit cause he thinks I was late. Uhhh, I was actually a few mins. early yesterday. Him and his wife fought yesterday, as usual. I really do wish they could go somewhere else and do that. Then I had to ask if I could leave early today so I can go do somethings. Well, that didn't sit to well with him. "It's the first of the month." " I need you in the office." It's ridiculous. I hardly ever ask for anything, especially time off. In 3 yrs., I've left early 2 times and missed one day of work. Then this morning, I was vacumming, and he called. I missed it. Well, he thinks that just cause I didn't answer the damn thing that I wasn't there. Whatever. Says I was 30 mins. late. Again, I was early if anything. I bust my ass doing whatever he ask me and I feel unappreciated. Like what I do doesn't even matter. Almost like I'm not entitled to get alittle time off. Hell, I don't even take my vacation days. i just get the paycheck. This year, I'm taking my weeks vacation and laying around not doing a damn thing!

I'm worried about money. I fucked up along time ago and charged alot of stuff on credit cards. They are getting paid off, but, I can't stop worrying till it's completely paid off. Money itself just worries me. I'm a worrier.

My head hurts. I'm tired. I feel so exhausted. I slept a good part of the day yesterday. And if I wasn't sleeping, I was crying. Mom said something about me sounding depressed. Ya think? I am actually proud of her, though. She defended me against my boss. (she works with me to..oh, what a joy! sarcasm) But I swear, it's ok for her to yell at me and stuff, but no one else is allowed too. I dunno.

I Don't Like You

So, bf and I went to his store he works at yesterday. I hate going there. Anyway, We walk in and he says "Hi" to someone. No surprise. Everyone knows him there, obviously. So, we start walking to get something to drink and I hear "Hey April!!!!". OMG...not you again! There is only one person who calls me April (And that's not even my real name. He knows my real name.) and that would be my bf's friend(well, not really friend, more of like see when I see you) , whom I can't stand to be around. As much as I hate to, I give him a small, whispering "hello". Then comes up to me and grabs my arm. Ugh. I wanted to smack him. But, I don't like being mean, so I just jerked my arm back. And moved further away from him. I've tried to like this guy, but there are so many things that bother me about him that I can't get past.

*He gets in my personal bubble. Everytime he gets near me, I jerk back really quick. He is not welcome that close to me and he knows this.
*He gets into alot of trouble. He likes to cause trouble or wants to do something that could bring the police around. Which is bad. Me and cops don't mix. I'm terrified of them.
*He is oh so concerned as to why I don't like him. Everytime I see him, he is always saying things like "You don't like me, do you?" "Why don't you like me?" "You hate me." "I don't see why you hate me." Why does it matter if I like him or not? It's not the end of the world!
*The things he says/does. He'll say he REALLY likes redheads. Checks me out head to toe. Finds ways to touch me.
*He just won't give up. I don't think he's ever had a chick tell him "no" on anything.

I feel like I'm overreacting about him. But in the past, I've told guys time and time again what I don't like, and that has never stopped them from doing anything. And I feel that is where he is heading. That he just won't stop.

I talked to my bf about it last night. He said he won't let anything happen to me. He's getting pissed off at his "friend" cause he won't leave me alone. Even my bf has told him that I don't like him. I mean, what more is it gonna take? I told bf that my patience is up. I can't take it anymore. I told him that if he does any of it one more damn time, I'm going to get highly angry.

Am I overreacting? I feel that I'm letting my past get to me to damned much. Perhaps it's just me, not him.

Stopping Smoking

Ok, I ran up to the mailbox for my boss today to check the mail. I ran up the hill and back down. By the time I made it to the bottom of the hill, I felt like I couldn't breathe. And then a friend showed me some pics of what smokers tongues and teeth looked like....GROSS! So, from this day forth, I try to quit smoking.

I know this will be good for me. My health will be better. I will have more money. It's gonna be hard cause I've been smoking since I was at least 13..could be younger than that. I'm addicted to smoking. But..I am gonna try. And I will continue to keep trying.

So, Hidden Tears, when I start saying I wanna ciggie or that I can't do this, show me those pics again. Those were creepy and gross and make me wanna stop.

No Capris This Year

Warm weather is starting. Yay! I love warm weather. I love my sandals and flip flops. I love capris. I love to see the flowers blooming and planting my own flowers. Spring and Summer are my favorite time of the year. It's really going to suck this year cause I can't wear capris.


The reason I can't wear them is cause I have so many scars on my legs. Some are at the top of my thigh, but most of them are on my ankles to my knee cap. Capris don't cover that part of skin. I realized this last night when I was wearing jogging capris. I looked down and saw the scars on my legs and tears just filled my eyes.


Not wearing the capris doesn't bother me that horribly bad. But seeing my legs and realizing just how scarred up they are was dissappointing to me. I hate seeing all those scars. I hate SI. I really hate it but at the same time.....


I love it. It takes the emotional pain away. It is my way of controling something. It makes me feel when I feel so dead inside. I feel I deserve the pain, whatever the pain may be. Cause I'm a horrible person. Never good enough.

I've SI'ed for as long as I can remember. I was young when I started. Punching, hittting, biting, burning, cutting, it doesn't matter. As long as I could feel the relief in it. And I'm still that way to this day. I've stopped a few times, but always came to it.


The urges come on so strong that I have to do it. I think I've only not done it a handful of times when the urges come. After I have SI'ed, it sometimes takes me awhile to feel bad about doing it. Cause in my head, it doesn't matter. My pain doesn't matter.

There aren't that many people that know about it. My friend, Hidden Tears, knows and has talked with me about it alot. She had even challenged me to "lock" (well, taped but same thing!) my "tools" away. I did...but tore right into my box which was taped rather well. My boyfriend knows and he has also talked with me about it. He has asked me to throw my "tools" away, but I told him no. He asked why and I told him I was more likely to SI when I don't have them rather than having them. He's actually for once, been highly supportive of me through this. Another friend knows. She has seen one of the scars. We haven't talked about it. I can't with her..dunno why...I just can't.

Last night was the last time I SI'ed. It had been weeks since I last done it, so now I have to start again.

I'm not the girl I used to be

That pic says it all. I'm not the girl I used to be. Before I started remembering and dealing with this stuff, I was an outgoing chick. I was barely home, was always with friends. I had always made sure to talk to them.

But now?!? I hardly contact my friends. I don't go out with them. My boyfriend asks why I don't. And it's simply cause I don't like going out. I have to beg and plead with my boyfriend sometimes to not go anywhere, even to just get something to eat. I like the comfort of my four walls...my bedroom.

I haven't really told my friends this yet. I feel like an awful friend. Actually, I'm a horrible friend. My friends love me to death and would do absolutely anything for me. But me? I barely contact them. It's not that I don't love them, cause I cherish them, I'm just not that outgoing chick anymore. I'm not the "me" they used to know. And I do wonder if they can accept that.

I told them things would change. I thought perhaps that I could get myself into a more outgoing person. But I can't. I don't like being in the outside world. It makes me a nervous wreck and makes me anxious. I think if I didn't have to work, I would be a complete hermit.

Life just drains me, physically and emotionally. I'm always upset about something (ranging from bills to family to work to personal stuff) and always up and helping people. I'm just not me anymore. I don't feel like me anymore. Well, the me I used to be.

I really need to discuss with them, but, I'm scared too. I don't know if they can/would accept me for who I am now. I'm a disappointment. I feel like I've disappointed them so much. They deserve so much better than me. A friend that will keep in touch, keep their word to them, be able to see them.

Stop blaming me for your problems

So tired of fighting with my mother. I swear, I can't wait to move out, whenever that may be. I'm tired of her fucking bullshit. It's ridiculous. I try to keep my cool and not fight with her, but she pushes my buttons, damnit! Just because she is having trouble with money doesn't mean it's my fault. Yes, I live with her. But I pay my half on everything. She gets mad when I have $100.00 left out of my check. But what she just can't seem to realize is I have to pay for my gas for work. That $100.00 is for gas/cigs/food for throughout the week. Not like I'm spending it on whatever I want. Of course, my answer is still not good enough as to why she has no money. Just one more thing to blame me for. It's always my fault. Never hers.

I hate fighting. Fighting is bad. It's what I seen my whole childhood. I hate anger. I despise being angry. It all makes me think back to "him" and then I cower, somewhere, and cry. And feel 10 times worse. And if that isn't bad enough, mom always makes me feel bad. Especially when she cries and tells me how horrible I've treated her. Umm....EXCUSE ME?!?! I've done horribly by you..OH PLEASE! She guilt trips me and I hate it. And I am the one who always apologizes.

But what do I do about it? I tell her what bothers me but yet, it doesn't matter. It never does. I don't matter. I'm just plain and simply worthless. All I do is cause problems. Me and my attitude. Who am I to argue with someone? I should just keep my mouth shut, hold it all inside, and act like everything is peachy.

So, to my mother, I give you these: