No Capris This Year

Warm weather is starting. Yay! I love warm weather. I love my sandals and flip flops. I love capris. I love to see the flowers blooming and planting my own flowers. Spring and Summer are my favorite time of the year. It's really going to suck this year cause I can't wear capris.


The reason I can't wear them is cause I have so many scars on my legs. Some are at the top of my thigh, but most of them are on my ankles to my knee cap. Capris don't cover that part of skin. I realized this last night when I was wearing jogging capris. I looked down and saw the scars on my legs and tears just filled my eyes.


Not wearing the capris doesn't bother me that horribly bad. But seeing my legs and realizing just how scarred up they are was dissappointing to me. I hate seeing all those scars. I hate SI. I really hate it but at the same time.....


I love it. It takes the emotional pain away. It is my way of controling something. It makes me feel when I feel so dead inside. I feel I deserve the pain, whatever the pain may be. Cause I'm a horrible person. Never good enough.

I've SI'ed for as long as I can remember. I was young when I started. Punching, hittting, biting, burning, cutting, it doesn't matter. As long as I could feel the relief in it. And I'm still that way to this day. I've stopped a few times, but always came to it.


The urges come on so strong that I have to do it. I think I've only not done it a handful of times when the urges come. After I have SI'ed, it sometimes takes me awhile to feel bad about doing it. Cause in my head, it doesn't matter. My pain doesn't matter.

There aren't that many people that know about it. My friend, Hidden Tears, knows and has talked with me about it alot. She had even challenged me to "lock" (well, taped but same thing!) my "tools" away. I did...but tore right into my box which was taped rather well. My boyfriend knows and he has also talked with me about it. He has asked me to throw my "tools" away, but I told him no. He asked why and I told him I was more likely to SI when I don't have them rather than having them. He's actually for once, been highly supportive of me through this. Another friend knows. She has seen one of the scars. We haven't talked about it. I can't with her..dunno why...I just can't.

Last night was the last time I SI'ed. It had been weeks since I last done it, so now I have to start again.