Talking about "daddy"

I never talked about him that much as a kid/pre-teen. I told my circle of friends that he was very protective of me. Never told about his abusive ways or anything. Guys wanted to date me. When I told them no, they would ask why. I would just tell them I wasn't allowed to date. And I wasn't. A HUGE no no. One guy said we could keep it a secret. Umm...yeah right. I wasn't about to take the chance of getting in trouble. Especially from him and his thick leather belt. Or worse....

I never had anyone over to spend the night, well, exept for one. And that was the last time I had anyone over. I had one childhood friend that spent the night once and he yelled at her. I was so ashamed by that. I told her from now on, we stay at her house. (that's where I went a majority of the time anyway) I remember once, she asked me why I didn't want her over at the house, and I can't remember my reply to her.

I acted like I do now...like everything is peachy. I wanted to leave what happened in the house, in the house. You know the whole "what you see hear, what you hear here, when you leave here, let it stay here". In school, you know how they have you write in journals? Well, I would write about how great life was and how much I loved my family. Yuck. Disgusting.

I had a boyfriend in 6th grade and he had called me. We had gotten together when my mom had evicted him once before the last time for good. And he agreed to us keeping our boyfriends. Well, that night that he called, he was doing something. And asked who had just called. I held my head down and told him, knowing I was gonna get yelled at or something. Sure enough, he yelled at me. Told me he is to never call again. The next day, I broke up with him. I felt bad cause I kinda liked him but it wasn't worth it to me to get into trouble.


I remember when mom last evicted him. It was scary. I knew it wouldn't go over well. Yelling, throwing stuff, him crying (which he only cried if mom was evicting him), my mom getting angry. I still can't remember why she evicted him the last time. I wish I could. It wasn't fair of him to ask me if I wanted him to stay. Not like it would've mattered. Mom had made her decision. Shortly after him leaving, my sister had left for work. He kept calling there and going by there. My mom had called my sister at work and talked to the manager. The manager finally took the phone from my sister and told him he would call the cops. I think he finally did call the cops. My mom got an order of protection against him. The judge that heard the case was very tough on him. He told him that he would have him locked up at the first instant that he stepped on the property. Like it mattered to him. He didn't care. He showed up a few times. I have no idea why mom didn't call the cops. He even went so far to call my mom at work and act as my principal from school to tell them I was sick. Mom got there, they called me into the office. We were walking away and she asked if I was feeling ok. I said yeah, I'm fine. My math teacher was standing there. I could tell from the look in her eye that it was him that called.

At that point, I just didn't feel safe anywhere. I was so scared of going to school everyday and him possibly showing up. It wasn't fair. He couldn't just leave us alone. Finally, he left us alone. But only for a short while. He calls up my uncle and my mom's best friend. Begging to know where we are. I'm so terrified that one day he will find me and hurt me. His mom knows where I work. I see him around town. But I'll talk about his family in another post.

Life

Life freakin sucks right now. Boyfriend quit the job he was working cause of the judgemental asshole of a manager they brought in. But, he found a job before he quit. He got a job delivering papers again. I hate it cause you have to wake up in the middle of morning to go do the job. I have been going and helping him. I told him after he learned everything, I was staying at home. Well, that changed. He got another job working mornings at another gas station. And I'm so far in debt we decided to keep the route plus work our normal jobs to get back on track. It sucks cause he is home at nights now. But at least things are working out. On the up side of everything, us working our regular jobs and working in the morning will help us move out quicker!

We bought a car a few months ago and it finally got on the road. Well, almost. Turned out it needed a few more things. Spent well over $300.00 on it. Thankfully, it's fixed now. And I don't have to ride with my mother anymore!!!!!

Internet has been messing up. The company was updating/upgrading all their stuff (or something like that) and my internet has been down up until today. I was about to go crazy without it!

Haven't talked to my friends in a long time. Too tired and stressed to do anything really. Hell, it's all I can do to get out of bed. I know they will want to go out but I just can't. I don't feel like going out anymore. It's just not something I enjoy doing anymore. I try and talk (I tell myself I can do it later) my way out of going to the gas station to get gas, little alone going somewhere and hanging out.

Need....lots...of....rest.....