Jabber about weekend.

Weekend was ok. I carved 4 pumpkins. The kid came out in me! I plan on getting more pumpkins. It put me at ease. Didn't have time to think about anything. I spent about a total of 8 hrs. or more on pumpkins of my weekend. Would I do it again? Most definitely! Twas fun and relaxing.

I took some video games and traded them in. Got $32.00 for 4 games. More than I expected. I got Donkey Kong 3 and omg....*drum roll* TETRIS for Nintendo DS. Sooo happy! Besides hours of carving pumpkins, I spent way more hours on Tetris. Who knew that could be oh so addicting.

All in all, my weekend was ok. Up until last night that is. I watched a movie: The Accused. It's about a chick who gets drunk and gets...umm....gang...errr..(hoping ya'll can figure that out.) by 3 guys. Hit way to close to home. I hadn't seen it before. I was triggered and flashing back. I felt like the ones who hurt me where on me...around me...watching me....I took a 45 min. shower scrubbing my body. It was like I couldn't wash them off. The more I scrubbed the harder I done it. Thinking that maybe it would go away. My skin was blood red from scrubbing. My hands hurt from scrubbing so hard.

I'm so tired this morning. I kept waking up. Everytime I did, I got this unsafe feeling. I couldn't tell you how many times I got up to check doors and windows. Everywhere, basically. Blah....

Confused by my mother

So, the other night, my mom was sitting at bottom of my bed. I was sitting near the top of it. I was wearing my jogging-looking shorts. I was sitting "Indian style" and she looked at my legs and asked me if I was a self-harmer! I quickly pulled my blanket over my legs to hide the scars. Kinda shocked me that she asked me that. Me being me completely blew it off. Telling her that I wasn't. While on the inside, for some reason, I wanted to tell her cause it somewhat felt like maybe she did care. I dunno. I hate hiding that part of me. I didn't tell her cause...1) She would think I'm crazy and probably try to put me in a hospital. 2) Me and my mom aren't close like that. We are more of "friends." and honestly, I don't trust her 3) She would run and tell everyone that she knows. I don't want everyone to know that I hurt myself. 4) My mom is most certainly NOT the type of person I tell my personal stuff to. She is pushy and will corner me to know something. And won't leave me alone till I do tell. When she does this, I feel trapped, unsafe, and unrespected. NOT the kind of enviroment I need to talk.

I'm still in shock as to why she asked that. She has seen these scars before but never mentioned a word. Why start caring now, if she even does?!? I'm so confused..does she care or doesn't she? All my life, she has shown me the wrong things. That she doesn't care. And now, when I'm almost 22, she is starting to show she cares, I think? Whatthefuck?!?!?!?!?! So.....friggin.....confused!!!!

All of this has caused me to really think about my mother. Does she care....or doesn't she? If she does care, why not show it my whole life? If she doesn't, why try and show it at all?

Friggin whiskey smell

For some days now, I've been smelling whiskey. The smell has been making me literally sick to my stomach. "Where the hell is that smell coming from?" I wondered to myself. I remember that my mom's ex-bf was an alcoholic. He used to drink whiskey..well, anything...but mainly whiskey. Why am I smelling this?!? Why won't it go away? I smell it when I go to sleep. I smell it when I wake up. It won't go the hell away!

The smell is bringing on flashbacks. I can't stand this. Fucking smell, please please PLEASE, go away! Just leave me alone!