1) I'm so tired of people fucking with me!!!!! Do I have "fuck with me" on my head or somewhere? I feel so unsafe anywhere I go.
2) Damn bosses were arguing all.....day.....long yesterday. I can't stand fighting. It really upsets and takes me to a place in my head that I hate. I was so ready to just walk out the door and tell them to call me when they are done. I can't take much more of their fighting.
3) I broke my damn Nintendo DS last night. Was angry about my day and I just kept getting more and more upset and all of a sudden THRRRROOOWWWW...........and then....CRASH! Oh, fuck! It shattered into pieces. Just great!
4) I'm tired. I'm so wore out physically and mentally. I need sleep...about 12 hrs. might do it.
5)I've fucked up on my money...again...I need to be more organized.
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
Fucking Bullshit!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm angry!!! Very....fucking...angry!!!
Yesterday, I had alittle bit of money I could spend. Well, some of it was for gas and food, but anyway...I bought me Ingrid Michaelson's CD. Used my check card, Everything was OK. Go to the ATM to take out the rest of money ($100.00) and it said I had "insufficient funds". SOOOOO fucking wrong! I still had $100.00 in the bank. So, I called my "bank by phone" and it said that I had taken out the money. My blood is boiling at this point. I started shaking and everything.
So, I call the bank and report what happened. Called them about 30 minutes ago and I quote "You need to come to the bank and file a dispute". What the fuck?!? That was all the money I had and now i'm completely broke. No money for food, gas, whatever, till I get this straigthened out. Just peachy!
On top of that, I'm having urges to SI. I'm frustrated. I'm angry. I'm upset. I'm crying. All of those are bad things for me to feel. I'm supposed to have it together. To be the "strong" one. But right now....? I'm falling apart. I'm crying as I type this. Everything is falling on me and I can't deal with this.
One day is all I ask. One day to be happy. One day when something doesn't go wrong. That's all I want right now. Just one....day...for everything to be OK.
Yesterday, I had alittle bit of money I could spend. Well, some of it was for gas and food, but anyway...I bought me Ingrid Michaelson's CD. Used my check card, Everything was OK. Go to the ATM to take out the rest of money ($100.00) and it said I had "insufficient funds". SOOOOO fucking wrong! I still had $100.00 in the bank. So, I called my "bank by phone" and it said that I had taken out the money. My blood is boiling at this point. I started shaking and everything.
So, I call the bank and report what happened. Called them about 30 minutes ago and I quote "You need to come to the bank and file a dispute". What the fuck?!? That was all the money I had and now i'm completely broke. No money for food, gas, whatever, till I get this straigthened out. Just peachy!
On top of that, I'm having urges to SI. I'm frustrated. I'm angry. I'm upset. I'm crying. All of those are bad things for me to feel. I'm supposed to have it together. To be the "strong" one. But right now....? I'm falling apart. I'm crying as I type this. Everything is falling on me and I can't deal with this.
One day is all I ask. One day to be happy. One day when something doesn't go wrong. That's all I want right now. Just one....day...for everything to be OK.
Friday, February 8, 2008
10 things I hate about myself..
- I hate that I'm too afraid of the dark and have to have someone come out with me. Then hear them laughing about a 22 yr old scared of the dark.
- I hate that I have a hard time talking.
- I hate the way I look...
- I hate that I'm afraid of everything
- I hate how easily scared and startled I am.
- I hate the fact that I'm having urges to SI.
- I hate that I've barely ate in 2 days.
- I hate seeing "his" face in my head
- I hate that when I'm touched unexpectedly that I jump, start to panic, and feel like I can't breathe.
- I hate that I can't say "no" to anything, no matter how much I don't wanna do something as simple as getting someone a cup of coffee.
Triggered last night and talking about therapy
OMG, I can't take this shit today. Nope. Well, not anyday, but today is rather bad. I got really bad triggered last night watching 2 different shows on t.v. One was Law & Order: Special Victims Unit and the other was Family Guy, but, I am not even going to go into detail on that one!
On SVU, these woman were being repeatedly "attacked" (can't use that word right now) by the same guy. One woman was telling her stories and she said she woke up and he would be sitting on her chest. Instant trigger for me. That's something that my mom's ex-boyfriend did once. I started flashing back...not being able to breathe and being scared. I could feel him sitting on my chest, crushing me. The darkness surrounding me, wanting to scream, but to scared to do so.
I want to SI. I need to release these emotions. I need to make the emotional hurt go away. I can't deal with it. I would rather deal with physical pain. But if I SI, then I'll be left with feeling guilty cause I haven't done it in a few days. *sigh*
I need to get into therapy. I called a place awhile back and I can go at an affordable price (sliding scale fee) but the money isn't what I'm worried about. Talking to a person, a complete stranger at that, telling them everything that is inside of me. I know you talk about it all in your own time, you have complete control over it, as a dear friend said to me. THAT is scary. Complete control...ugh...makes me quiver. I can't do that. No way. I've only recently began to have control over things and it's still really uncomfie for me. Anyway, got off subject...I talked to my boss about getting time off each week to go to the "doctors" for an hour and we are going to work something out. Yipppeee for me....blah! What if they think I'm beyond help? What if I get in there and can't speak a damn word? Then I will feel like a complete failure at therapy. This same dear friend said you can't fail at therapy. I keep telling myself that. I'm going to try and go next week or the week after. I would prefer next week so I can just get it over with. I need to get my boss on the hurry to figuring something out.
On SVU, these woman were being repeatedly "attacked" (can't use that word right now) by the same guy. One woman was telling her stories and she said she woke up and he would be sitting on her chest. Instant trigger for me. That's something that my mom's ex-boyfriend did once. I started flashing back...not being able to breathe and being scared. I could feel him sitting on my chest, crushing me. The darkness surrounding me, wanting to scream, but to scared to do so.
I want to SI. I need to release these emotions. I need to make the emotional hurt go away. I can't deal with it. I would rather deal with physical pain. But if I SI, then I'll be left with feeling guilty cause I haven't done it in a few days. *sigh*
I need to get into therapy. I called a place awhile back and I can go at an affordable price (sliding scale fee) but the money isn't what I'm worried about. Talking to a person, a complete stranger at that, telling them everything that is inside of me. I know you talk about it all in your own time, you have complete control over it, as a dear friend said to me. THAT is scary. Complete control...ugh...makes me quiver. I can't do that. No way. I've only recently began to have control over things and it's still really uncomfie for me. Anyway, got off subject...I talked to my boss about getting time off each week to go to the "doctors" for an hour and we are going to work something out. Yipppeee for me....blah! What if they think I'm beyond help? What if I get in there and can't speak a damn word? Then I will feel like a complete failure at therapy. This same dear friend said you can't fail at therapy. I keep telling myself that. I'm going to try and go next week or the week after. I would prefer next week so I can just get it over with. I need to get my boss on the hurry to figuring something out.
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