Bunch of stuff..I dunno....

I don't know where to start. I have so many thoughts running through my head. I just need to relax and just go with the flow.

I'll start with the happy stuff first. I got to talk to a very good friend on the phone yesterday. I have missed her so much. She's busy with school and stuff. I'm busy with work and shit. We talked for awhile on IM then she called me. I was happy to just chat with her for awhile.

Ok..bad stuff....(Please bear with me...I'm tired.)
I'm triggered. I'm flashing back. I had nightmares about him last night. I can't get him out of my head. I can see him. I can feel him. I can smell that awful whiskey smell on his breath. I can see him hurting me, crushing me with his body.I can hear his voice in my ear telling me that I make him "hurt" me. I can feel his rough hand over my mouth, telling me to keep quiet.


I'm emotionally numb. Which is bad. I don't feel anything. I have to feel something right now. I'm having the urges to SI. I want to feel.....something....I can't SI. I done it Monday and yesterday and I'm still hating myself for it. I'm weak against it. I fall and fall and fall.....

I just plain out hate myself right now. Well, I hate myself anyway. But it's to the maximum. I can't stand to see myself in the mirror. All I see is a fat, ugly, hideous figure standing there looking back at me. Someone who is weak. Someone who just can't deal with life. Who hates life. Who hurts herself to deal with the internal pain. A girl that blames herself for everything that has ever happened to her. Someone that is so lonely and feels so alone. Someone who just wants to curl up and cry and cry. I hate her so much!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'll come back and write more later. This is too much right now.