Shitty week so far

Ugh! What else is gonna wrong this week? Sunday night, me and my mom were sitting in the living room and all of a sudden.....BANG BANG BANG...BANG BANG...It was 5 gunshots being fired outside my house. My dogs start barking at the top of their lungs. I go running to my room, check my dogs, and look out every window to see what the hell is going on. My mom and I didn't see anything. So, we went outside. All the neighbors are already outside asking if we heard the gunshots. The gunshots came from my neighbors house. A gold car had left as soon as the last shot was fired. Then, 2 guys came walking out of neighbors house. They leave. Another guy comes out and another neighbor ask if he heard the gunshots. He says no. What the hell? People living 5 houses down heard the damn shots. Long story short, cops were called, asked questions, looked around, nothing was found. Said they would keep an eye on the street for awhile.

This morning, my mom calls me at work. The cops had been by the house with a warrant to search the house looking for someone. My mom let them in and they searched the house up and down. The person who they were looking for apparently gave them our address as them living there. Wrong! I don't even know the person they were looking for.

My mom then tells me that my sister and her boyfriend has broken up...again. We were having a get together with my aunt and uncle tomorrow for a cook out. My mom is upset and now she's gonna take it out on me. Just fucking great! And she may be moving in with us. How fucking wonderful! (sarcasm)

Music that helps me.

I find that music is what helps me alot. I don't have to talk nor do anything. I can just listen and sit back and relax or sing along with it! Usually, I sing along. :) I can relate to these songs in some way. I will add as I find more music.

The Story of Beauty-Destiny's Child
Spinning-Leah Zicari
Run-Leah Zicari
Let It Rain-Amanda Marshall
One Fine Wire-Colbie Caillat
Bubbly-Colbie Caillat
Midnight Bottle-Colbie Caillat
Stay With You-John Legend
I'm OK-Christina Aguilera
Fighter-Christina Aguilera
Leave the Light On-Beth Hart
Put Your Records On-Corrine Bailey Rae
Under the Weather-KT Tunstall
Universe & U-KT Tunstall
Suddenly I See-KT Tunstall
Heal Over-KT Tunstall
Silence Is Golden-Garbage
Bleed Like Me-Garbage
Everyday Is A Winding Road-Sheryl Crow
Nobody Knows-Pink
Conversations With My 13 Yr. Old Self-Pink
Unpretty-TLC
Crawling-Linkin Park
In the End-Linkin Park
Frozen-Madonna
Breathe Me-Sia
Runaway Love-Ludacris
Down In A Hole-Alice In Chains
Strawberry Gashes-JOJ
Funeral For Yesterday-Kittie
Honestly OK-Dido
Safe-Kittie


A special thanks to my very dear friend who gave me..uhhh...alot of the songs or introduced me to the artist. I love you, hon!!!!!! :)

Just some thoughts on my mind.

When I am asked about my childhood or think about it, I always think of HIM. Not my mom, not my family. He was a MAJOR part of my childhood if not all of it.HE was always so nice to me. Gave me stuff, paid attention to me,helped me with school, etc. I remember I used to sit and watch him draw/paint. When I had school projects, HE was the one always helping me. He was also the one abusing me and raping me. Hurting me. Making me fear him.


I remember I had a 4-H project due. I had to find something that could be recycled into something else. I had asked Mom to help me. But she declined saying she wasn't any good at artistic stuff. I didn't care about how good it looked. I just wanted her to help me. Something we could've done together. Something ME and HER could be proud of. So, HE said he would help me. I had a half gallon milk carton and I wanted to use it for something. He looked at it and told me what I thought of when I seen the milk carton. When laid down, it was rectangular. A SCHOOL BUS! He said that would be a good idea. He went and got his painting supplies, brought some cardboard to the table, and helped me put together my "recycled" school bus.


Another time, I had a science fair project due. I was in 4th grade. Since we didn't have to do anything big like the older kids, we just had to have a display of something "scientific." I chose to do it on dinosaurs! Mom bought me a posterboard. That's all the "help" I got from her. Again, I wanted her to help me gather information about dinosaurs. I wrote quite a few stuff about dinosaurs in general but chose 2 of my favs. to display on the posterboard. I chose T-Rex and Pterydactyl (spelling?). I wanted Mom to help me draw it and color it. For her to just give encouragement......Again....HE helped me. He even carved me a Pterydactyl out of wood hanging from a hangar. And I got to paint it.


In all of this, Mom was never a part of it. So what if she didn't have the drawing skills or whatever. Did she really think that mattered to a child, to me?!? Hell no it didn't! I just wanted her to BE THERE and BE A PART OF IT. Even if it was just coaching me on what to do. That would've been a part of it. When I was asked who always helped me with my projects, I always put my head down and say, "My daddy." Meh..................

6 yrs. ago this month....*TW*

6 yrs. ago this month, I was gang...raped...The feelings are rapidly switching. Hurt, angry, sad, numb, humiliation and the list goes on. I feel like they are around me. I feel them on me.


I woke up on my back this morning. Instant trigger! Started flashing back. It hurts soo incredibly much. I'm having urges to SI. I haven't done it in awhile. I don't want this "anniversary" to send me back into it. Then again, I want to rid myself of this emotional pain.

Imma go now..will come back later and update this.