Just some thoughts on my mind.

When I am asked about my childhood or think about it, I always think of HIM. Not my mom, not my family. He was a MAJOR part of my childhood if not all of it.HE was always so nice to me. Gave me stuff, paid attention to me,helped me with school, etc. I remember I used to sit and watch him draw/paint. When I had school projects, HE was the one always helping me. He was also the one abusing me and raping me. Hurting me. Making me fear him.


I remember I had a 4-H project due. I had to find something that could be recycled into something else. I had asked Mom to help me. But she declined saying she wasn't any good at artistic stuff. I didn't care about how good it looked. I just wanted her to help me. Something we could've done together. Something ME and HER could be proud of. So, HE said he would help me. I had a half gallon milk carton and I wanted to use it for something. He looked at it and told me what I thought of when I seen the milk carton. When laid down, it was rectangular. A SCHOOL BUS! He said that would be a good idea. He went and got his painting supplies, brought some cardboard to the table, and helped me put together my "recycled" school bus.


Another time, I had a science fair project due. I was in 4th grade. Since we didn't have to do anything big like the older kids, we just had to have a display of something "scientific." I chose to do it on dinosaurs! Mom bought me a posterboard. That's all the "help" I got from her. Again, I wanted her to help me gather information about dinosaurs. I wrote quite a few stuff about dinosaurs in general but chose 2 of my favs. to display on the posterboard. I chose T-Rex and Pterydactyl (spelling?). I wanted Mom to help me draw it and color it. For her to just give encouragement......Again....HE helped me. He even carved me a Pterydactyl out of wood hanging from a hangar. And I got to paint it.


In all of this, Mom was never a part of it. So what if she didn't have the drawing skills or whatever. Did she really think that mattered to a child, to me?!? Hell no it didn't! I just wanted her to BE THERE and BE A PART OF IT. Even if it was just coaching me on what to do. That would've been a part of it. When I was asked who always helped me with my projects, I always put my head down and say, "My daddy." Meh..................