No Capris This Year

Warm weather is starting. Yay! I love warm weather. I love my sandals and flip flops. I love capris. I love to see the flowers blooming and planting my own flowers. Spring and Summer are my favorite time of the year. It's really going to suck this year cause I can't wear capris.


The reason I can't wear them is cause I have so many scars on my legs. Some are at the top of my thigh, but most of them are on my ankles to my knee cap. Capris don't cover that part of skin. I realized this last night when I was wearing jogging capris. I looked down and saw the scars on my legs and tears just filled my eyes.


Not wearing the capris doesn't bother me that horribly bad. But seeing my legs and realizing just how scarred up they are was dissappointing to me. I hate seeing all those scars. I hate SI. I really hate it but at the same time.....


I love it. It takes the emotional pain away. It is my way of controling something. It makes me feel when I feel so dead inside. I feel I deserve the pain, whatever the pain may be. Cause I'm a horrible person. Never good enough.

I've SI'ed for as long as I can remember. I was young when I started. Punching, hittting, biting, burning, cutting, it doesn't matter. As long as I could feel the relief in it. And I'm still that way to this day. I've stopped a few times, but always came to it.


The urges come on so strong that I have to do it. I think I've only not done it a handful of times when the urges come. After I have SI'ed, it sometimes takes me awhile to feel bad about doing it. Cause in my head, it doesn't matter. My pain doesn't matter.

There aren't that many people that know about it. My friend, Hidden Tears, knows and has talked with me about it alot. She had even challenged me to "lock" (well, taped but same thing!) my "tools" away. I did...but tore right into my box which was taped rather well. My boyfriend knows and he has also talked with me about it. He has asked me to throw my "tools" away, but I told him no. He asked why and I told him I was more likely to SI when I don't have them rather than having them. He's actually for once, been highly supportive of me through this. Another friend knows. She has seen one of the scars. We haven't talked about it. I can't with her..dunno why...I just can't.

Last night was the last time I SI'ed. It had been weeks since I last done it, so now I have to start again.

I'm not the girl I used to be

That pic says it all. I'm not the girl I used to be. Before I started remembering and dealing with this stuff, I was an outgoing chick. I was barely home, was always with friends. I had always made sure to talk to them.

But now?!? I hardly contact my friends. I don't go out with them. My boyfriend asks why I don't. And it's simply cause I don't like going out. I have to beg and plead with my boyfriend sometimes to not go anywhere, even to just get something to eat. I like the comfort of my four walls...my bedroom.

I haven't really told my friends this yet. I feel like an awful friend. Actually, I'm a horrible friend. My friends love me to death and would do absolutely anything for me. But me? I barely contact them. It's not that I don't love them, cause I cherish them, I'm just not that outgoing chick anymore. I'm not the "me" they used to know. And I do wonder if they can accept that.

I told them things would change. I thought perhaps that I could get myself into a more outgoing person. But I can't. I don't like being in the outside world. It makes me a nervous wreck and makes me anxious. I think if I didn't have to work, I would be a complete hermit.

Life just drains me, physically and emotionally. I'm always upset about something (ranging from bills to family to work to personal stuff) and always up and helping people. I'm just not me anymore. I don't feel like me anymore. Well, the me I used to be.

I really need to discuss with them, but, I'm scared too. I don't know if they can/would accept me for who I am now. I'm a disappointment. I feel like I've disappointed them so much. They deserve so much better than me. A friend that will keep in touch, keep their word to them, be able to see them.

Stop blaming me for your problems

So tired of fighting with my mother. I swear, I can't wait to move out, whenever that may be. I'm tired of her fucking bullshit. It's ridiculous. I try to keep my cool and not fight with her, but she pushes my buttons, damnit! Just because she is having trouble with money doesn't mean it's my fault. Yes, I live with her. But I pay my half on everything. She gets mad when I have $100.00 left out of my check. But what she just can't seem to realize is I have to pay for my gas for work. That $100.00 is for gas/cigs/food for throughout the week. Not like I'm spending it on whatever I want. Of course, my answer is still not good enough as to why she has no money. Just one more thing to blame me for. It's always my fault. Never hers.

I hate fighting. Fighting is bad. It's what I seen my whole childhood. I hate anger. I despise being angry. It all makes me think back to "him" and then I cower, somewhere, and cry. And feel 10 times worse. And if that isn't bad enough, mom always makes me feel bad. Especially when she cries and tells me how horrible I've treated her. Umm....EXCUSE ME?!?! I've done horribly by you..OH PLEASE! She guilt trips me and I hate it. And I am the one who always apologizes.

But what do I do about it? I tell her what bothers me but yet, it doesn't matter. It never does. I don't matter. I'm just plain and simply worthless. All I do is cause problems. Me and my attitude. Who am I to argue with someone? I should just keep my mouth shut, hold it all inside, and act like everything is peachy.

So, to my mother, I give you these:

5 things

1) I'm so tired of people fucking with me!!!!! Do I have "fuck with me" on my head or somewhere? I feel so unsafe anywhere I go.

2) Damn bosses were arguing all.....day.....long yesterday. I can't stand fighting. It really upsets and takes me to a place in my head that I hate. I was so ready to just walk out the door and tell them to call me when they are done. I can't take much more of their fighting.

3) I broke my damn Nintendo DS last night. Was angry about my day and I just kept getting more and more upset and all of a sudden THRRRROOOWWWW...........and then....CRASH! Oh, fuck! It shattered into pieces. Just great!

4) I'm tired. I'm so wore out physically and mentally. I need sleep...about 12 hrs. might do it.

5)I've fucked up on my money...again...I need to be more organized.

Fucking Bullshit!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm angry!!! Very....fucking...angry!!!

Yesterday, I had alittle bit of money I could spend. Well, some of it was for gas and food, but anyway...I bought me Ingrid Michaelson's CD. Used my check card, Everything was OK. Go to the ATM to take out the rest of money ($100.00) and it said I had "insufficient funds". SOOOOO fucking wrong! I still had $100.00 in the bank. So, I called my "bank by phone" and it said that I had taken out the money. My blood is boiling at this point. I started shaking and everything.

So, I call the bank and report what happened. Called them about 30 minutes ago and I quote "You need to come to the bank and file a dispute". What the fuck?!? That was all the money I had and now i'm completely broke. No money for food, gas, whatever, till I get this straigthened out. Just peachy!

On top of that, I'm having urges to SI. I'm frustrated. I'm angry. I'm upset. I'm crying. All of those are bad things for me to feel. I'm supposed to have it together. To be the "strong" one. But right now....? I'm falling apart. I'm crying as I type this. Everything is falling on me and I can't deal with this.

One day is all I ask. One day to be happy. One day when something doesn't go wrong. That's all I want right now. Just one....day...for everything to be OK.

10 things I hate about myself..

1. I hate that I'm too afraid of the dark and have to have someone come out with me. Then hear them laughing about a 22 yr old scared of the dark.
2. I hate that I have a hard time talking.
3. I hate the way I look...
4. I hate that I'm afraid of everything
5. I hate how easily scared and startled I am.
6. I hate the fact that I'm having urges to SI.
7. I hate that I've barely ate in 2 days.
8. I hate seeing "his" face in my head
9. I hate that when I'm touched unexpectedly that I jump, start to panic, and feel like I can't breathe.
10. I hate that I can't say "no" to anything, no matter how much I don't wanna do something as simple as getting someone a cup of coffee.

Triggered last night and talking about therapy

OMG, I can't take this shit today. Nope. Well, not anyday, but today is rather bad. I got really bad triggered last night watching 2 different shows on t.v. One was Law & Order: Special Victims Unit and the other was Family Guy, but, I am not even going to go into detail on that one!



On SVU, these woman were being repeatedly "attacked" (can't use that word right now) by the same guy. One woman was telling her stories and she said she woke up and he would be sitting on her chest. Instant trigger for me. That's something that my mom's ex-boyfriend did once. I started flashing back...not being able to breathe and being scared. I could feel him sitting on my chest, crushing me. The darkness surrounding me, wanting to scream, but to scared to do so.

I want to SI. I need to release these emotions. I need to make the emotional hurt go away. I can't deal with it. I would rather deal with physical pain. But if I SI, then I'll be left with feeling guilty cause I haven't done it in a few days. *sigh*

I need to get into therapy. I called a place awhile back and I can go at an affordable price (sliding scale fee) but the money isn't what I'm worried about. Talking to a person, a complete stranger at that, telling them everything that is inside of me. I know you talk about it all in your own time, you have complete control over it, as a dear friend said to me. THAT is scary. Complete control...ugh...makes me quiver. I can't do that. No way. I've only recently began to have control over things and it's still really uncomfie for me. Anyway, got off subject...I talked to my boss about getting time off each week to go to the "doctors" for an hour and we are going to work something out. Yipppeee for me....blah! What if they think I'm beyond help? What if I get in there and can't speak a damn word? Then I will feel like a complete failure at therapy. This same dear friend said you can't fail at therapy. I keep telling myself that. I'm going to try and go next week or the week after. I would prefer next week so I can just get it over with. I need to get my boss on the hurry to figuring something out.