Realizations

I had a realization a awhile back that has left me...I don't know. I was laying in bed one morning and a huge feeling of unhappiness just hit me. I realized that I'm not as happy as I claim to be. Things with bf aren't the same anymore. I'm not happy with him. I should point out he has changed his behavior towards me, but, it's still the same feelings. I guess i was just trying to hide them.

I also made another realization: I am the type of person to make anyone as happy as I can. I put others before me, especially other's feelings. When I think about breaking up with bf, I feel hurt due to the fact that I know it will hurt him. And I don't want to make anyone hurt. But staying with him and being unhappy is taking it's toll on me. I need to learn more about putting myself and feelings first. But it's just so hard.

When I was a kid, I was told my feelings didn't matter. And if I dared to think of myself first, I was being selfish. It's always been everyone before me. I want to make people happy, but how am I gonna be happy if I just stuff my feelings aside? I can't. I can't.

I care about my bf, but it just isn't working anymore. He did change his behavior towards me and I'm thankful to that. We have too many un-resolved issues that aren't going to get any better. I feel in my heart that leaving him would be best for me. It's going to hurt him, I know it will. But it's for the best on my end.

I told my friend Amy about this. She said something that really reached out to me. It spoke so true to me. And I know it's what I need to do. I've been in 2 relationships since I was 15 and have been single about 4 months when I was 16. I think instead of trying to take care of some guy, I need to focus on myself and take care of myself.

It's going to be hard, and I know it's going to hurt the both of us, but I HAVE to do this. For once, I'm going to follow my heart. There will be no taking him back or anything. I'm going to focus on me, healing and living life to it's fullest.

ARGH!!!!

****Trigger warning for SI*****

OMG, I want to fucking scream to the top of my lungs. Last night, I had a nightmare about mom's ex. Now his face is in my head and I can't get it out. I'm fully awake and it's still there. I want it to go away,NOW! I was numb. Now I'm angry. My boss is getting on my last fucking nerves! The workers are getting on my nerves. My mom is getting on my nerves.

I want to SI so badly. I did this morning. I put my finger on the inside of my hair straightner and let it burn just a little. Nothing major. Just enough to take the pain away. Then I was numb. Now..i'm angry. Angry at everything. I have caught myself picking at the skin around my nails so it bleeds and hurts. I want to cut. I want to feel anything but my emotions. I hate them. They are bad.

I have some Xanax so I may take one of those. See if that helps me calm down. Today is just a really bad day and I want it to be over. I wanna sleep it away and forget it. I don't and can't deal with all this today. I can't help myself.

I can always help others. I always have and I love to help others. But I am useless when it comes to helping myself. It's actually pointless. Idon't matter. Never have and never will. What I say is wrong, what I do is wrong, everything about me is just wrong. Nothing is ever right with me.....

Twas a good weekend

Well, for the most part, it was a very good weekend! Me and bf went shopping. And he said he wanted to take me out to buy me anything I wanted from anywhere! I was excited. I love shopping!!!! Anyway, I have been wanting books to read so I wanted to go to Books A Million. I went straight for the "healing" books. He bought me a book called "Healing The Child Within" and "Bodily Harm". When I had the books in my hand, he asked me if I was worried about what the cashier might say about the books. I said alittle but I was really worried! I asked him if he was worried about weird looks about my books and he said,"No because I love you and won't be embarrased about anything you buy/been through. You are helping yourself and that is ALL that matters to me. If someone gives you a glare, I'll handle it." (Wow!!!!!) When we were checking out, I didn't dare look at the woman's face. That was the first time I have bought books like that in a store. I always order them to avoid the faces.

We went to see The Love Guru followed by dinner at a restuarant. It was totally nice. And my mom didn't call and bother me the whole freakin time! How exciting!!!!!! So, yeah, it was a good weekend. I read both books within 2 days and have another book on the way.

While reading the books, I had mixed thoughts about what I was reading. I could relate to alot of it. I am going to read them again. I have to. I need to get my thoughts together about what I read and how it applies to me. I tend on writing a post about the books.

I don't know how I'm feeling today. Mixed feelings. Will have to look into that later today. But for now, I have work to do!

Weird

Since Monday, I've been having bad dreams. It's the same thing everytime I fall asleep. I wake up sweating. I feel confused about it. I'm trying to tell myself that it's not real. It can't be. Not ready to share what it is just yet. I think I'm just freakin crazy. The thing that bothers me is that it is the same bad dream 3 nights in a row. That rarely happens. I don't know what to do with it.

A part of me wants to deal with it and try to face it. But the other part of me says it's nothing and it doesn't matter. It's making my sleep difficult. Afraid to go to sleep, afraid to wake up. I try to stay up as late as I can to avoid it, but I can only go so long without some sleep. So, I'm in trouble either way I turn. I don't know...I really don't know! I am so confused about it. It's freaking me out. I can feel stuff and taste stuff. But no sounds and no faces. I don't know. I can't ponder about this anymore.

My mother!

I do wonder if it will ever be ok to do anything for myself without feeling guilty. Saturday, me and bf went to Wal-Mart and was shopping. We decided we wanted to grill steaks out and eat. Just me and him. Mom was cleaning some guys house and it would be peaceful. (everytime we eat, she bothers us) So, we did and he was like, "Well, see if your mom wants some hot dogs grilled." I called her up and tell her we were grilling (huge mistake on my part) steaks and wanted to know if she wanted some hot dogs. She gets quiet.."Well, where's my steak?!?" Ugh! Then she goes on and on about how she always buys us food and blah blah blah. Yes, she does. But we also put in half the money for our food! She always throws stuff back up at me and makes me feel guilty. Guilty for not thinking about her and what she may want. Guilty for not putting her first before me. Guilty for having the nerve to buy me something. It's like this constantly.

She knows she makes me feel guilty and she knows how bad it gets to me. I hate that it does, but I can't hide it. If she is feeling bad, I start feeling bad and apologizing when I haven't even done anything. She goes and sits in her room and pouts and waits for me to come and apologize. And I do it. I need to learn to control that. I've done that since I was a kid.

Bf can't handle her when she is like that. He gets angry when she does it, not because of anything she has done to him. But because of what it makes me feel like. He knows I have issues with my mother and he has been helping me to not run to her when she does this. But in the end, I do. She makes me feel like a kid when she does this. And I can't stand that. I'm 22 yrs. old. I shouldn't have to be made out to feel like I'm a child.

Not only does she give the guilt trips, but she has to always call and check on me. I can't go anywhere without her tracking me down. Calls my cell phone, calls wherever I'm at, etc. I DON'T NEED TO BE CHECKED ON!!!!!!!! I'm just fine. When she calls, bf begs for me not to answer, but I do. But..I just can't stop answering. I feel the need to answer it. If I don't, guilt trips start. I push my feelings aside just so I don't get them. Then poor bf hears all my frustrations, which is fine by him. He just doesn't want to see me hurt or worse...SI.

She has this emotional leash on me and I can't break free. I want to be able to do stuff for myself and not feel bad. I don't want to feel awful just for buying me a steak or anything for that matter. I don't want to feel bad and guilty for not buying her something. For not thinking of her. That may sound bad, but it's the way I feel. It's like if I don't buy her something, then I'm an awful person cause she "is a good mom."

That's another thing. When I don't buy her stuff or we fight, she says to me everytime, "Well, I have bought you plenty of stuff, I've taken care of you your whole life, I have done so much for you" Yeah mom you have. But I was a kid! I didn't even ask to be here. I do appreciate for what she has done (she has helped me financially) and for raising me. But is it fair to throw it all up in face for something I couldn't control? Oh, when she is angry with me, she just HAS to tell everyone how "horrible" i'm being. And then everyone gets on me cause I made my mom feel bad. Cause all she tells me them is how good she has been to me. Nevermind the fact that she let that asshole live with us for 9 1/2 yrs, even after i told her that he had hit me. Nevermind the fact that she is always favoriting my sister and putting her in front of me. Nevermind that she throws up raising me in my face. it's always me and my problems. I have never told anyone that she talks to about what she has done to me. my bf knows and then a close friend.Oh, and bf's grandmother.

Maybe I'm being a bitch about all this. Maybe I don't have a right to do anything for myself. Perhaps everything should be about her. I probably shouldn't even be writing this cause in the end, I'm being a horrible person for getting angry with my mom and not doing anything about it. I don't know what it is to compel me to always give in to her. I wish I knew. perhaps therapy is on it;s way. I need it.

From the weekend I have learned this:
*I'm not allowed to buy myself something without buying mom something
*I shouldn't put myself before others

This doesn't make any sense at all. I shouldn't be bitching about this when I do nothing to stop it. I just needed to let it all out. It hurts that she can make me feel this way and I have no control to stop it in my head. I am going to start thinking about therapy. And I'm going to start talking with bf about us moving out as soon as possible. Living with her is killing me. I don't know how much more I can take living with her.

Finally!

Finally, I have quit my 2nd job. At the time, we needed the money, but now? Nope. The job was early morning hours and interrupted my sleep. As well as a complete waste of money on gas. After paying for gas for teh job, it really wasn't worth the money cause there was only maybe a hundred dollars left out due to gas prices. I can finally get a long nights sleep! I am excited.

For a few months, I have been tired, exhausted, and just plain wiped out. Not to mention that after I would get done with 2nd job, I would sleep maybe an hour (usually less) then come here to work. My life is exhausting enough without another job to add to it. I have been so irritable (more than always!) from this and I can't wait to get the fun self of me again.

My poor animals..I do feel that they think I have forgotten about them. But I haven't. I had to make more money so I could buy them food and stuff. I plan on spending much time with them this weekend. Perhaps walking, car rides, and even go to the creek to eat! Or a trip to Petsmart. Or perhaps all of it! I don't know. We will see. I'm sure my doggies will appreciate it. I do love them and this weekend is Fun Weekend.

Lost a Dear Friend

Yesterday was a rough day. I work for family. The office is in their home. They have 3 cats and 1 dog. Whom I take care of daily. I love all of them to death. As if they were my own. Problem is..I get really attached. Well, the dog has been having arthritis problems and was taking his medicine. Then he started going downhill. Not wanting to take them and then wanting to take them. When he did take them, he was fine. But when he didn't, he would barely get up and move. It's hot weather here and that just made it worse on him. He was a Chow mix. He had quit the temper but only if you provoked it. The only time I've ever seen him bite someone was a guy who he somewhat knew (doggie was very protective and would act aggressively if needed) and that was cause the guy had reached over to unlock the gate. He didn't hurt him, thankfully. Didnt' even break the skin. Anyway, I came yesterday and my aunt whispered that doggie had bit her! That was very unusual. Then my uncle said to go look at him. OMG, my heart broke into pieces. You could see the pain in his eyes. My uncle asked if I pet him and i said yes. He said that he had growled at him for getting to close. Then my uncle had broke the unbearable news to me....

He was having him put to sleep. My heart was aching. It was such a hard thing to hear. My eyes were tearing up. There was no holding it back. My aunt hadn't even known till we told her. She didn't take it so well. She loves animals as much as I do. We cried all...day...long. It was too painful to be outside. He was just laying there...in pain...And I couldn't even walk up to him cause he had growled at even me, which he has never growled at me. At 4:00 yesterday, doggie went to sleep. I cried the whole day, on the way home, when I got home, and yet as I sit here typing this, i'm bawling my eyes out. I lost a very amazing friend whom I loved with all my heart.

I have all the blinds closed cause I just can't look outside. He was my friend and my protector. He protected me very well. He would always tell me (well bark) if there was something or someone there he didn't like. He would sit outside with me on a quick smoke break and I would just talk away to him while petting him. We would go for a walk to the end of the yard or to the mailbox. I would brush him and brush him. Make him as cute as I could. I knew all his spots he liked to be scratched. I am going to miss him running around in the snow when Winter comes.

To my dear friend,
I am very saddened at the loss of you. You will be missed always. I will miss doing all the things we done together. I will miss being outside, sitting with you and talking to you. I will miss all the goofy things you done to make me smile and laugh. I will miss you greeting me with those pointy ears standing up and your tail wagging very fast when I pull up. Miss you knocking me playfully when I stopped petting you.

I wanted to thank you. Thank you for protecting me so. You were always right there as soon as someone pulled up and would wait for me to come and say it's ok. You let me know when something was wrong. You were truly a great friend. I will always remember you.

I love you, (doggie).