Realizations

I had a realization a awhile back that has left me...I don't know. I was laying in bed one morning and a huge feeling of unhappiness just hit me. I realized that I'm not as happy as I claim to be. Things with bf aren't the same anymore. I'm not happy with him. I should point out he has changed his behavior towards me, but, it's still the same feelings. I guess i was just trying to hide them.

I also made another realization: I am the type of person to make anyone as happy as I can. I put others before me, especially other's feelings. When I think about breaking up with bf, I feel hurt due to the fact that I know it will hurt him. And I don't want to make anyone hurt. But staying with him and being unhappy is taking it's toll on me. I need to learn more about putting myself and feelings first. But it's just so hard.

When I was a kid, I was told my feelings didn't matter. And if I dared to think of myself first, I was being selfish. It's always been everyone before me. I want to make people happy, but how am I gonna be happy if I just stuff my feelings aside? I can't. I can't.

I care about my bf, but it just isn't working anymore. He did change his behavior towards me and I'm thankful to that. We have too many un-resolved issues that aren't going to get any better. I feel in my heart that leaving him would be best for me. It's going to hurt him, I know it will. But it's for the best on my end.

I told my friend Amy about this. She said something that really reached out to me. It spoke so true to me. And I know it's what I need to do. I've been in 2 relationships since I was 15 and have been single about 4 months when I was 16. I think instead of trying to take care of some guy, I need to focus on myself and take care of myself.

It's going to be hard, and I know it's going to hurt the both of us, but I HAVE to do this. For once, I'm going to follow my heart. There will be no taking him back or anything. I'm going to focus on me, healing and living life to it's fullest.