ARGH!!!!

****Trigger warning for SI*****

OMG, I want to fucking scream to the top of my lungs. Last night, I had a nightmare about mom's ex. Now his face is in my head and I can't get it out. I'm fully awake and it's still there. I want it to go away,NOW! I was numb. Now I'm angry. My boss is getting on my last fucking nerves! The workers are getting on my nerves. My mom is getting on my nerves.

I want to SI so badly. I did this morning. I put my finger on the inside of my hair straightner and let it burn just a little. Nothing major. Just enough to take the pain away. Then I was numb. Now..i'm angry. Angry at everything. I have caught myself picking at the skin around my nails so it bleeds and hurts. I want to cut. I want to feel anything but my emotions. I hate them. They are bad.

I have some Xanax so I may take one of those. See if that helps me calm down. Today is just a really bad day and I want it to be over. I wanna sleep it away and forget it. I don't and can't deal with all this today. I can't help myself.

I can always help others. I always have and I love to help others. But I am useless when it comes to helping myself. It's actually pointless. Idon't matter. Never have and never will. What I say is wrong, what I do is wrong, everything about me is just wrong. Nothing is ever right with me.....