My mother!

I do wonder if it will ever be ok to do anything for myself without feeling guilty. Saturday, me and bf went to Wal-Mart and was shopping. We decided we wanted to grill steaks out and eat. Just me and him. Mom was cleaning some guys house and it would be peaceful. (everytime we eat, she bothers us) So, we did and he was like, "Well, see if your mom wants some hot dogs grilled." I called her up and tell her we were grilling (huge mistake on my part) steaks and wanted to know if she wanted some hot dogs. She gets quiet.."Well, where's my steak?!?" Ugh! Then she goes on and on about how she always buys us food and blah blah blah. Yes, she does. But we also put in half the money for our food! She always throws stuff back up at me and makes me feel guilty. Guilty for not thinking about her and what she may want. Guilty for not putting her first before me. Guilty for having the nerve to buy me something. It's like this constantly.

She knows she makes me feel guilty and she knows how bad it gets to me. I hate that it does, but I can't hide it. If she is feeling bad, I start feeling bad and apologizing when I haven't even done anything. She goes and sits in her room and pouts and waits for me to come and apologize. And I do it. I need to learn to control that. I've done that since I was a kid.

Bf can't handle her when she is like that. He gets angry when she does it, not because of anything she has done to him. But because of what it makes me feel like. He knows I have issues with my mother and he has been helping me to not run to her when she does this. But in the end, I do. She makes me feel like a kid when she does this. And I can't stand that. I'm 22 yrs. old. I shouldn't have to be made out to feel like I'm a child.

Not only does she give the guilt trips, but she has to always call and check on me. I can't go anywhere without her tracking me down. Calls my cell phone, calls wherever I'm at, etc. I DON'T NEED TO BE CHECKED ON!!!!!!!! I'm just fine. When she calls, bf begs for me not to answer, but I do. But..I just can't stop answering. I feel the need to answer it. If I don't, guilt trips start. I push my feelings aside just so I don't get them. Then poor bf hears all my frustrations, which is fine by him. He just doesn't want to see me hurt or worse...SI.

She has this emotional leash on me and I can't break free. I want to be able to do stuff for myself and not feel bad. I don't want to feel awful just for buying me a steak or anything for that matter. I don't want to feel bad and guilty for not buying her something. For not thinking of her. That may sound bad, but it's the way I feel. It's like if I don't buy her something, then I'm an awful person cause she "is a good mom."

That's another thing. When I don't buy her stuff or we fight, she says to me everytime, "Well, I have bought you plenty of stuff, I've taken care of you your whole life, I have done so much for you" Yeah mom you have. But I was a kid! I didn't even ask to be here. I do appreciate for what she has done (she has helped me financially) and for raising me. But is it fair to throw it all up in face for something I couldn't control? Oh, when she is angry with me, she just HAS to tell everyone how "horrible" i'm being. And then everyone gets on me cause I made my mom feel bad. Cause all she tells me them is how good she has been to me. Nevermind the fact that she let that asshole live with us for 9 1/2 yrs, even after i told her that he had hit me. Nevermind the fact that she is always favoriting my sister and putting her in front of me. Nevermind that she throws up raising me in my face. it's always me and my problems. I have never told anyone that she talks to about what she has done to me. my bf knows and then a close friend.Oh, and bf's grandmother.

Maybe I'm being a bitch about all this. Maybe I don't have a right to do anything for myself. Perhaps everything should be about her. I probably shouldn't even be writing this cause in the end, I'm being a horrible person for getting angry with my mom and not doing anything about it. I don't know what it is to compel me to always give in to her. I wish I knew. perhaps therapy is on it;s way. I need it.

From the weekend I have learned this:
*I'm not allowed to buy myself something without buying mom something
*I shouldn't put myself before others

This doesn't make any sense at all. I shouldn't be bitching about this when I do nothing to stop it. I just needed to let it all out. It hurts that she can make me feel this way and I have no control to stop it in my head. I am going to start thinking about therapy. And I'm going to start talking with bf about us moving out as soon as possible. Living with her is killing me. I don't know how much more I can take living with her.