1) I'm so tired of people fucking with me!!!!! Do I have "fuck with me" on my head or somewhere? I feel so unsafe anywhere I go.
2) Damn bosses were arguing all.....day.....long yesterday. I can't stand fighting. It really upsets and takes me to a place in my head that I hate. I was so ready to just walk out the door and tell them to call me when they are done. I can't take much more of their fighting.
3) I broke my damn Nintendo DS last night. Was angry about my day and I just kept getting more and more upset and all of a sudden THRRRROOOWWWW...........and then....CRASH! Oh, fuck! It shattered into pieces. Just great!
4) I'm tired. I'm so wore out physically and mentally. I need sleep...about 12 hrs. might do it.
5)I've fucked up on my money...again...I need to be more organized.
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
Fucking Bullshit!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm angry!!! Very....fucking...angry!!!
Yesterday, I had alittle bit of money I could spend. Well, some of it was for gas and food, but anyway...I bought me Ingrid Michaelson's CD. Used my check card, Everything was OK. Go to the ATM to take out the rest of money ($100.00) and it said I had "insufficient funds". SOOOOO fucking wrong! I still had $100.00 in the bank. So, I called my "bank by phone" and it said that I had taken out the money. My blood is boiling at this point. I started shaking and everything.
So, I call the bank and report what happened. Called them about 30 minutes ago and I quote "You need to come to the bank and file a dispute". What the fuck?!? That was all the money I had and now i'm completely broke. No money for food, gas, whatever, till I get this straigthened out. Just peachy!
On top of that, I'm having urges to SI. I'm frustrated. I'm angry. I'm upset. I'm crying. All of those are bad things for me to feel. I'm supposed to have it together. To be the "strong" one. But right now....? I'm falling apart. I'm crying as I type this. Everything is falling on me and I can't deal with this.
One day is all I ask. One day to be happy. One day when something doesn't go wrong. That's all I want right now. Just one....day...for everything to be OK.
Yesterday, I had alittle bit of money I could spend. Well, some of it was for gas and food, but anyway...I bought me Ingrid Michaelson's CD. Used my check card, Everything was OK. Go to the ATM to take out the rest of money ($100.00) and it said I had "insufficient funds". SOOOOO fucking wrong! I still had $100.00 in the bank. So, I called my "bank by phone" and it said that I had taken out the money. My blood is boiling at this point. I started shaking and everything.
So, I call the bank and report what happened. Called them about 30 minutes ago and I quote "You need to come to the bank and file a dispute". What the fuck?!? That was all the money I had and now i'm completely broke. No money for food, gas, whatever, till I get this straigthened out. Just peachy!
On top of that, I'm having urges to SI. I'm frustrated. I'm angry. I'm upset. I'm crying. All of those are bad things for me to feel. I'm supposed to have it together. To be the "strong" one. But right now....? I'm falling apart. I'm crying as I type this. Everything is falling on me and I can't deal with this.
One day is all I ask. One day to be happy. One day when something doesn't go wrong. That's all I want right now. Just one....day...for everything to be OK.
Friday, February 8, 2008
10 things I hate about myself..
- I hate that I'm too afraid of the dark and have to have someone come out with me. Then hear them laughing about a 22 yr old scared of the dark.
- I hate that I have a hard time talking.
- I hate the way I look...
- I hate that I'm afraid of everything
- I hate how easily scared and startled I am.
- I hate the fact that I'm having urges to SI.
- I hate that I've barely ate in 2 days.
- I hate seeing "his" face in my head
- I hate that when I'm touched unexpectedly that I jump, start to panic, and feel like I can't breathe.
- I hate that I can't say "no" to anything, no matter how much I don't wanna do something as simple as getting someone a cup of coffee.
Triggered last night and talking about therapy
OMG, I can't take this shit today. Nope. Well, not anyday, but today is rather bad. I got really bad triggered last night watching 2 different shows on t.v. One was Law & Order: Special Victims Unit and the other was Family Guy, but, I am not even going to go into detail on that one!
On SVU, these woman were being repeatedly "attacked" (can't use that word right now) by the same guy. One woman was telling her stories and she said she woke up and he would be sitting on her chest. Instant trigger for me. That's something that my mom's ex-boyfriend did once. I started flashing back...not being able to breathe and being scared. I could feel him sitting on my chest, crushing me. The darkness surrounding me, wanting to scream, but to scared to do so.
I want to SI. I need to release these emotions. I need to make the emotional hurt go away. I can't deal with it. I would rather deal with physical pain. But if I SI, then I'll be left with feeling guilty cause I haven't done it in a few days. *sigh*
I need to get into therapy. I called a place awhile back and I can go at an affordable price (sliding scale fee) but the money isn't what I'm worried about. Talking to a person, a complete stranger at that, telling them everything that is inside of me. I know you talk about it all in your own time, you have complete control over it, as a dear friend said to me. THAT is scary. Complete control...ugh...makes me quiver. I can't do that. No way. I've only recently began to have control over things and it's still really uncomfie for me. Anyway, got off subject...I talked to my boss about getting time off each week to go to the "doctors" for an hour and we are going to work something out. Yipppeee for me....blah! What if they think I'm beyond help? What if I get in there and can't speak a damn word? Then I will feel like a complete failure at therapy. This same dear friend said you can't fail at therapy. I keep telling myself that. I'm going to try and go next week or the week after. I would prefer next week so I can just get it over with. I need to get my boss on the hurry to figuring something out.
On SVU, these woman were being repeatedly "attacked" (can't use that word right now) by the same guy. One woman was telling her stories and she said she woke up and he would be sitting on her chest. Instant trigger for me. That's something that my mom's ex-boyfriend did once. I started flashing back...not being able to breathe and being scared. I could feel him sitting on my chest, crushing me. The darkness surrounding me, wanting to scream, but to scared to do so.
I want to SI. I need to release these emotions. I need to make the emotional hurt go away. I can't deal with it. I would rather deal with physical pain. But if I SI, then I'll be left with feeling guilty cause I haven't done it in a few days. *sigh*
I need to get into therapy. I called a place awhile back and I can go at an affordable price (sliding scale fee) but the money isn't what I'm worried about. Talking to a person, a complete stranger at that, telling them everything that is inside of me. I know you talk about it all in your own time, you have complete control over it, as a dear friend said to me. THAT is scary. Complete control...ugh...makes me quiver. I can't do that. No way. I've only recently began to have control over things and it's still really uncomfie for me. Anyway, got off subject...I talked to my boss about getting time off each week to go to the "doctors" for an hour and we are going to work something out. Yipppeee for me....blah! What if they think I'm beyond help? What if I get in there and can't speak a damn word? Then I will feel like a complete failure at therapy. This same dear friend said you can't fail at therapy. I keep telling myself that. I'm going to try and go next week or the week after. I would prefer next week so I can just get it over with. I need to get my boss on the hurry to figuring something out.
Thursday, January 31, 2008
One week
One week ago today, Me and my mom had to put our cat (I talked about her in the previous post) to sleep. She wasn't going to get any better and was just suffering. It was hard letting her go, but I couldnt' watch her suffer. She is at peace now.
I still miss her. I've cried everyday for a week. It hurts. She brought me alot of happiness through my childhood. Probably the only true happiness I had. She would always sleep with me. I would always fall asleep to her purring.
I will forever keep her in my heart.
I still miss her. I've cried everyday for a week. It hurts. She brought me alot of happiness through my childhood. Probably the only true happiness I had. She would always sleep with me. I would always fall asleep to her purring.
I will forever keep her in my heart.
Friday, January 18, 2008
My cat
Last night, just sitting in my room, and mom hollers for me. Something is wrong with Sadie Mae, our cat. She couldn't walk. She used the bathroom on herself. Her tongue was hanging out of her mouth and there was spit on her mouth. I didn't know what was wrong with her. My mind instantly thought, "OMG, she's dying."
We've had Sadie Mae since I was 7. She is now 15 yrs. old. She was a HUGE part of my childhood. She was one to make me smile. So energetic and full of craziness. I remember me and my sis had bunkbeds once. I slept on top one night and I woke up, Sadie Mae was be sleeping with me. She made me feel safe and comfortable. I would make a "cave" out of covers and she would crawl in there and go back to sleep. Good times...good times..
Anyway, my mind kept telling me she's dying. I thought she was. It was late at night..around 8:00....and no vets were open. Except for one. It stays open all night for emergency care. I called and they asked about her condition and I told them what had happened. They told me to bring her in and they would do something for her and do blood work. They then asked how she was doing. I went to check, and she was drinking water and started eating. They told me to just keep a watch on her and take her to the vet tomorrow. (which is today).
I just heard from my mom and they have to keep her for the day. We can pick her up when they call. They had to sedate her because..well..she isn't friendly with a majority of people.
My heart is still hurting, though. I know she is getting older. She is losing weight, even though she eats quite a bit. And now that happened last night. Last night, I was begging her not to do this. "Please don't leave me. You can't. I need you here with me." Sadie Mae holds a very special place in my heart. She was my first cat ever. I can't cope with the thoughts that she is getting older and will die. I can't.
I'm attached to her. I love her. Losing people/animals that I care about hurt me to the core.
Also, these feelings of losing her (even though I haven't) has made me think of my papaw. He died when I was in 6th grade. I still can't really talk about his death. Well, the feelings surrounding it. My sis found out before me that papaw had died. I was "papaw girls". He was the only one in my family.who seemed to really care about me, mom, and sis.
He had a heartattack and spent months in the hospital. He was doing really good. He was writing alittle, talking, etc. His days run up at the hospital and they had to put him in a nursing home. His health...it dropped completely. Instead of getting better, he got worse. He caught some kind of virus. They had to transport him back to the hospital. Only...there wasn't much anyone could do. I wanted to see him. But i was too young to go into ICU. It killed me not being there for him. The doctors told my mom that he more than likely wouldn't get any better. He was suffering. Mom said she could tell. She had to make the decision to "pull the plug" as she said it that night. She got to hold him while he died. I wanted to be there. sooo, my mom told sis about it first. She knew she I would take it much harder. She came in my room and sat down. I could feel that something was wrong....horribly wrong..She didn't even have to tell me. I looked at her and said, "Mom, did papaw die?' She started crying. I was....numb...I just started crying..I felt a huge loss that night.
And last night when I thought she was dying, I felt as if I was losing someone else that was close to me and my heart. I didn't like it. It scared me. And I'm still scared. I don't want her to die. I hope they can do something that will help her.Money is tight, but i don't care. I will do what it takes...
We've had Sadie Mae since I was 7. She is now 15 yrs. old. She was a HUGE part of my childhood. She was one to make me smile. So energetic and full of craziness. I remember me and my sis had bunkbeds once. I slept on top one night and I woke up, Sadie Mae was be sleeping with me. She made me feel safe and comfortable. I would make a "cave" out of covers and she would crawl in there and go back to sleep. Good times...good times..
Anyway, my mind kept telling me she's dying. I thought she was. It was late at night..around 8:00....and no vets were open. Except for one. It stays open all night for emergency care. I called and they asked about her condition and I told them what had happened. They told me to bring her in and they would do something for her and do blood work. They then asked how she was doing. I went to check, and she was drinking water and started eating. They told me to just keep a watch on her and take her to the vet tomorrow. (which is today).
I just heard from my mom and they have to keep her for the day. We can pick her up when they call. They had to sedate her because..well..she isn't friendly with a majority of people.
My heart is still hurting, though. I know she is getting older. She is losing weight, even though she eats quite a bit. And now that happened last night. Last night, I was begging her not to do this. "Please don't leave me. You can't. I need you here with me." Sadie Mae holds a very special place in my heart. She was my first cat ever. I can't cope with the thoughts that she is getting older and will die. I can't.
I'm attached to her. I love her. Losing people/animals that I care about hurt me to the core.
Also, these feelings of losing her (even though I haven't) has made me think of my papaw. He died when I was in 6th grade. I still can't really talk about his death. Well, the feelings surrounding it. My sis found out before me that papaw had died. I was "papaw girls". He was the only one in my family.who seemed to really care about me, mom, and sis.
He had a heartattack and spent months in the hospital. He was doing really good. He was writing alittle, talking, etc. His days run up at the hospital and they had to put him in a nursing home. His health...it dropped completely. Instead of getting better, he got worse. He caught some kind of virus. They had to transport him back to the hospital. Only...there wasn't much anyone could do. I wanted to see him. But i was too young to go into ICU. It killed me not being there for him. The doctors told my mom that he more than likely wouldn't get any better. He was suffering. Mom said she could tell. She had to make the decision to "pull the plug" as she said it that night. She got to hold him while he died. I wanted to be there. sooo, my mom told sis about it first. She knew she I would take it much harder. She came in my room and sat down. I could feel that something was wrong....horribly wrong..She didn't even have to tell me. I looked at her and said, "Mom, did papaw die?' She started crying. I was....numb...I just started crying..I felt a huge loss that night.
And last night when I thought she was dying, I felt as if I was losing someone else that was close to me and my heart. I didn't like it. It scared me. And I'm still scared. I don't want her to die. I hope they can do something that will help her.Money is tight, but i don't care. I will do what it takes...
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
Bunch of stuff..I dunno....
I don't know where to start. I have so many thoughts running through my head. I just need to relax and just go with the flow.
I'll start with the happy stuff first. I got to talk to a very good friend on the phone yesterday. I have missed her so much. She's busy with school and stuff. I'm busy with work and shit. We talked for awhile on IM then she called me. I was happy to just chat with her for awhile.
Ok..bad stuff....(Please bear with me...I'm tired.)
I'm triggered. I'm flashing back. I had nightmares about him last night. I can't get him out of my head. I can see him. I can feel him. I can smell that awful whiskey smell on his breath. I can see him hurting me, crushing me with his body.I can hear his voice in my ear telling me that I make him "hurt" me. I can feel his rough hand over my mouth, telling me to keep quiet.
I'm emotionally numb. Which is bad. I don't feel anything. I have to feel something right now. I'm having the urges to SI. I want to feel.....something....I can't SI. I done it Monday and yesterday and I'm still hating myself for it. I'm weak against it. I fall and fall and fall.....
I just plain out hate myself right now. Well, I hate myself anyway. But it's to the maximum. I can't stand to see myself in the mirror. All I see is a fat, ugly, hideous figure standing there looking back at me. Someone who is weak. Someone who just can't deal with life. Who hates life. Who hurts herself to deal with the internal pain. A girl that blames herself for everything that has ever happened to her. Someone that is so lonely and feels so alone. Someone who just wants to curl up and cry and cry. I hate her so much!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'll come back and write more later. This is too much right now.
I'll start with the happy stuff first. I got to talk to a very good friend on the phone yesterday. I have missed her so much. She's busy with school and stuff. I'm busy with work and shit. We talked for awhile on IM then she called me. I was happy to just chat with her for awhile.
Ok..bad stuff....(Please bear with me...I'm tired.)
I'm triggered. I'm flashing back. I had nightmares about him last night. I can't get him out of my head. I can see him. I can feel him. I can smell that awful whiskey smell on his breath. I can see him hurting me, crushing me with his body.I can hear his voice in my ear telling me that I make him "hurt" me. I can feel his rough hand over my mouth, telling me to keep quiet.
I'm emotionally numb. Which is bad. I don't feel anything. I have to feel something right now. I'm having the urges to SI. I want to feel.....something....I can't SI. I done it Monday and yesterday and I'm still hating myself for it. I'm weak against it. I fall and fall and fall.....
I just plain out hate myself right now. Well, I hate myself anyway. But it's to the maximum. I can't stand to see myself in the mirror. All I see is a fat, ugly, hideous figure standing there looking back at me. Someone who is weak. Someone who just can't deal with life. Who hates life. Who hurts herself to deal with the internal pain. A girl that blames herself for everything that has ever happened to her. Someone that is so lonely and feels so alone. Someone who just wants to curl up and cry and cry. I hate her so much!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'll come back and write more later. This is too much right now.
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