One week

One week ago today, Me and my mom had to put our cat (I talked about her in the previous post) to sleep. She wasn't going to get any better and was just suffering. It was hard letting her go, but I couldnt' watch her suffer. She is at peace now.

I still miss her. I've cried everyday for a week. It hurts. She brought me alot of happiness through my childhood. Probably the only true happiness I had. She would always sleep with me. I would always fall asleep to her purring.

I will forever keep her in my heart.

My cat

Last night, just sitting in my room, and mom hollers for me. Something is wrong with Sadie Mae, our cat. She couldn't walk. She used the bathroom on herself. Her tongue was hanging out of her mouth and there was spit on her mouth. I didn't know what was wrong with her. My mind instantly thought, "OMG, she's dying."

We've had Sadie Mae since I was 7. She is now 15 yrs. old. She was a HUGE part of my childhood. She was one to make me smile. So energetic and full of craziness. I remember me and my sis had bunkbeds once. I slept on top one night and I woke up, Sadie Mae was be sleeping with me. She made me feel safe and comfortable. I would make a "cave" out of covers and she would crawl in there and go back to sleep. Good times...good times..

Anyway, my mind kept telling me she's dying. I thought she was. It was late at night..around 8:00....and no vets were open. Except for one. It stays open all night for emergency care. I called and they asked about her condition and I told them what had happened. They told me to bring her in and they would do something for her and do blood work. They then asked how she was doing. I went to check, and she was drinking water and started eating. They told me to just keep a watch on her and take her to the vet tomorrow. (which is today).

I just heard from my mom and they have to keep her for the day. We can pick her up when they call. They had to sedate her because..well..she isn't friendly with a majority of people.

My heart is still hurting, though. I know she is getting older. She is losing weight, even though she eats quite a bit. And now that happened last night. Last night, I was begging her not to do this. "Please don't leave me. You can't. I need you here with me." Sadie Mae holds a very special place in my heart. She was my first cat ever. I can't cope with the thoughts that she is getting older and will die. I can't.

I'm attached to her. I love her. Losing people/animals that I care about hurt me to the core.

Also, these feelings of losing her (even though I haven't) has made me think of my papaw. He died when I was in 6th grade. I still can't really talk about his death. Well, the feelings surrounding it. My sis found out before me that papaw had died. I was "papaw girls". He was the only one in my family.who seemed to really care about me, mom, and sis.

He had a heartattack and spent months in the hospital. He was doing really good. He was writing alittle, talking, etc. His days run up at the hospital and they had to put him in a nursing home. His health...it dropped completely. Instead of getting better, he got worse. He caught some kind of virus. They had to transport him back to the hospital. Only...there wasn't much anyone could do. I wanted to see him. But i was too young to go into ICU. It killed me not being there for him. The doctors told my mom that he more than likely wouldn't get any better. He was suffering. Mom said she could tell. She had to make the decision to "pull the plug" as she said it that night. She got to hold him while he died. I wanted to be there. sooo, my mom told sis about it first. She knew she I would take it much harder. She came in my room and sat down. I could feel that something was wrong....horribly wrong..She didn't even have to tell me. I looked at her and said, "Mom, did papaw die?' She started crying. I was....numb...I just started crying..I felt a huge loss that night.

And last night when I thought she was dying, I felt as if I was losing someone else that was close to me and my heart. I didn't like it. It scared me. And I'm still scared. I don't want her to die. I hope they can do something that will help her.Money is tight, but i don't care. I will do what it takes...

Bunch of stuff..I dunno....

I don't know where to start. I have so many thoughts running through my head. I just need to relax and just go with the flow.

I'll start with the happy stuff first. I got to talk to a very good friend on the phone yesterday. I have missed her so much. She's busy with school and stuff. I'm busy with work and shit. We talked for awhile on IM then she called me. I was happy to just chat with her for awhile.

Ok..bad stuff....(Please bear with me...I'm tired.)
I'm triggered. I'm flashing back. I had nightmares about him last night. I can't get him out of my head. I can see him. I can feel him. I can smell that awful whiskey smell on his breath. I can see him hurting me, crushing me with his body.I can hear his voice in my ear telling me that I make him "hurt" me. I can feel his rough hand over my mouth, telling me to keep quiet.


I'm emotionally numb. Which is bad. I don't feel anything. I have to feel something right now. I'm having the urges to SI. I want to feel.....something....I can't SI. I done it Monday and yesterday and I'm still hating myself for it. I'm weak against it. I fall and fall and fall.....

I just plain out hate myself right now. Well, I hate myself anyway. But it's to the maximum. I can't stand to see myself in the mirror. All I see is a fat, ugly, hideous figure standing there looking back at me. Someone who is weak. Someone who just can't deal with life. Who hates life. Who hurts herself to deal with the internal pain. A girl that blames herself for everything that has ever happened to her. Someone that is so lonely and feels so alone. Someone who just wants to curl up and cry and cry. I hate her so much!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'll come back and write more later. This is too much right now.

Shitty week so far

Ugh! What else is gonna wrong this week? Sunday night, me and my mom were sitting in the living room and all of a sudden.....BANG BANG BANG...BANG BANG...It was 5 gunshots being fired outside my house. My dogs start barking at the top of their lungs. I go running to my room, check my dogs, and look out every window to see what the hell is going on. My mom and I didn't see anything. So, we went outside. All the neighbors are already outside asking if we heard the gunshots. The gunshots came from my neighbors house. A gold car had left as soon as the last shot was fired. Then, 2 guys came walking out of neighbors house. They leave. Another guy comes out and another neighbor ask if he heard the gunshots. He says no. What the hell? People living 5 houses down heard the damn shots. Long story short, cops were called, asked questions, looked around, nothing was found. Said they would keep an eye on the street for awhile.

This morning, my mom calls me at work. The cops had been by the house with a warrant to search the house looking for someone. My mom let them in and they searched the house up and down. The person who they were looking for apparently gave them our address as them living there. Wrong! I don't even know the person they were looking for.

My mom then tells me that my sister and her boyfriend has broken up...again. We were having a get together with my aunt and uncle tomorrow for a cook out. My mom is upset and now she's gonna take it out on me. Just fucking great! And she may be moving in with us. How fucking wonderful! (sarcasm)

Music that helps me.

I find that music is what helps me alot. I don't have to talk nor do anything. I can just listen and sit back and relax or sing along with it! Usually, I sing along. :) I can relate to these songs in some way. I will add as I find more music.

The Story of Beauty-Destiny's Child
Spinning-Leah Zicari
Run-Leah Zicari
Let It Rain-Amanda Marshall
One Fine Wire-Colbie Caillat
Bubbly-Colbie Caillat
Midnight Bottle-Colbie Caillat
Stay With You-John Legend
I'm OK-Christina Aguilera
Fighter-Christina Aguilera
Leave the Light On-Beth Hart
Put Your Records On-Corrine Bailey Rae
Under the Weather-KT Tunstall
Universe & U-KT Tunstall
Suddenly I See-KT Tunstall
Heal Over-KT Tunstall
Silence Is Golden-Garbage
Bleed Like Me-Garbage
Everyday Is A Winding Road-Sheryl Crow
Nobody Knows-Pink
Conversations With My 13 Yr. Old Self-Pink
Unpretty-TLC
Crawling-Linkin Park
In the End-Linkin Park
Frozen-Madonna
Breathe Me-Sia
Runaway Love-Ludacris
Down In A Hole-Alice In Chains
Strawberry Gashes-JOJ
Funeral For Yesterday-Kittie
Honestly OK-Dido
Safe-Kittie


A special thanks to my very dear friend who gave me..uhhh...alot of the songs or introduced me to the artist. I love you, hon!!!!!! :)

Just some thoughts on my mind.

When I am asked about my childhood or think about it, I always think of HIM. Not my mom, not my family. He was a MAJOR part of my childhood if not all of it.HE was always so nice to me. Gave me stuff, paid attention to me,helped me with school, etc. I remember I used to sit and watch him draw/paint. When I had school projects, HE was the one always helping me. He was also the one abusing me and raping me. Hurting me. Making me fear him.


I remember I had a 4-H project due. I had to find something that could be recycled into something else. I had asked Mom to help me. But she declined saying she wasn't any good at artistic stuff. I didn't care about how good it looked. I just wanted her to help me. Something we could've done together. Something ME and HER could be proud of. So, HE said he would help me. I had a half gallon milk carton and I wanted to use it for something. He looked at it and told me what I thought of when I seen the milk carton. When laid down, it was rectangular. A SCHOOL BUS! He said that would be a good idea. He went and got his painting supplies, brought some cardboard to the table, and helped me put together my "recycled" school bus.


Another time, I had a science fair project due. I was in 4th grade. Since we didn't have to do anything big like the older kids, we just had to have a display of something "scientific." I chose to do it on dinosaurs! Mom bought me a posterboard. That's all the "help" I got from her. Again, I wanted her to help me gather information about dinosaurs. I wrote quite a few stuff about dinosaurs in general but chose 2 of my favs. to display on the posterboard. I chose T-Rex and Pterydactyl (spelling?). I wanted Mom to help me draw it and color it. For her to just give encouragement......Again....HE helped me. He even carved me a Pterydactyl out of wood hanging from a hangar. And I got to paint it.


In all of this, Mom was never a part of it. So what if she didn't have the drawing skills or whatever. Did she really think that mattered to a child, to me?!? Hell no it didn't! I just wanted her to BE THERE and BE A PART OF IT. Even if it was just coaching me on what to do. That would've been a part of it. When I was asked who always helped me with my projects, I always put my head down and say, "My daddy." Meh..................

6 yrs. ago this month....*TW*

6 yrs. ago this month, I was gang...raped...The feelings are rapidly switching. Hurt, angry, sad, numb, humiliation and the list goes on. I feel like they are around me. I feel them on me.


I woke up on my back this morning. Instant trigger! Started flashing back. It hurts soo incredibly much. I'm having urges to SI. I haven't done it in awhile. I don't want this "anniversary" to send me back into it. Then again, I want to rid myself of this emotional pain.

Imma go now..will come back later and update this.