OMG, I can't take this shit today. Nope. Well, not anyday, but today is rather bad. I got really bad triggered last night watching 2 different shows on t.v. One was Law & Order: Special Victims Unit and the other was Family Guy, but, I am not even going to go into detail on that one!
On SVU, these woman were being repeatedly "attacked" (can't use that word right now) by the same guy. One woman was telling her stories and she said she woke up and he would be sitting on her chest. Instant trigger for me. That's something that my mom's ex-boyfriend did once. I started flashing back...not being able to breathe and being scared. I could feel him sitting on my chest, crushing me. The darkness surrounding me, wanting to scream, but to scared to do so.
I want to SI. I need to release these emotions. I need to make the emotional hurt go away. I can't deal with it. I would rather deal with physical pain. But if I SI, then I'll be left with feeling guilty cause I haven't done it in a few days. *sigh*
I need to get into therapy. I called a place awhile back and I can go at an affordable price (sliding scale fee) but the money isn't what I'm worried about. Talking to a person, a complete stranger at that, telling them everything that is inside of me. I know you talk about it all in your own time, you have complete control over it, as a dear friend said to me. THAT is scary. Complete control...ugh...makes me quiver. I can't do that. No way. I've only recently began to have control over things and it's still really uncomfie for me. Anyway, got off subject...I talked to my boss about getting time off each week to go to the "doctors" for an hour and we are going to work something out. Yipppeee for me....blah! What if they think I'm beyond help? What if I get in there and can't speak a damn word? Then I will feel like a complete failure at therapy. This same dear friend said you can't fail at therapy. I keep telling myself that. I'm going to try and go next week or the week after. I would prefer next week so I can just get it over with. I need to get my boss on the hurry to figuring something out.
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Hon you will be ok at this. I know the idea of going to t is scary. If you can talk thats ok. just try to relax and have no expectations of whats going to happen. That dear friend of yours is correct *winks* and I dont think you could ever ever be a failure. You just have to much potential, there is so much power inside you just waiting to get out. I have faith in you.
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