Shitty week so far

Ugh! What else is gonna wrong this week? Sunday night, me and my mom were sitting in the living room and all of a sudden.....BANG BANG BANG...BANG BANG...It was 5 gunshots being fired outside my house. My dogs start barking at the top of their lungs. I go running to my room, check my dogs, and look out every window to see what the hell is going on. My mom and I didn't see anything. So, we went outside. All the neighbors are already outside asking if we heard the gunshots. The gunshots came from my neighbors house. A gold car had left as soon as the last shot was fired. Then, 2 guys came walking out of neighbors house. They leave. Another guy comes out and another neighbor ask if he heard the gunshots. He says no. What the hell? People living 5 houses down heard the damn shots. Long story short, cops were called, asked questions, looked around, nothing was found. Said they would keep an eye on the street for awhile.

This morning, my mom calls me at work. The cops had been by the house with a warrant to search the house looking for someone. My mom let them in and they searched the house up and down. The person who they were looking for apparently gave them our address as them living there. Wrong! I don't even know the person they were looking for.

My mom then tells me that my sister and her boyfriend has broken up...again. We were having a get together with my aunt and uncle tomorrow for a cook out. My mom is upset and now she's gonna take it out on me. Just fucking great! And she may be moving in with us. How fucking wonderful! (sarcasm)

Music that helps me.

I find that music is what helps me alot. I don't have to talk nor do anything. I can just listen and sit back and relax or sing along with it! Usually, I sing along. :) I can relate to these songs in some way. I will add as I find more music.

The Story of Beauty-Destiny's Child
Spinning-Leah Zicari
Run-Leah Zicari
Let It Rain-Amanda Marshall
One Fine Wire-Colbie Caillat
Bubbly-Colbie Caillat
Midnight Bottle-Colbie Caillat
Stay With You-John Legend
I'm OK-Christina Aguilera
Fighter-Christina Aguilera
Leave the Light On-Beth Hart
Put Your Records On-Corrine Bailey Rae
Under the Weather-KT Tunstall
Universe & U-KT Tunstall
Suddenly I See-KT Tunstall
Heal Over-KT Tunstall
Silence Is Golden-Garbage
Bleed Like Me-Garbage
Everyday Is A Winding Road-Sheryl Crow
Nobody Knows-Pink
Conversations With My 13 Yr. Old Self-Pink
Unpretty-TLC
Crawling-Linkin Park
In the End-Linkin Park
Frozen-Madonna
Breathe Me-Sia
Runaway Love-Ludacris
Down In A Hole-Alice In Chains
Strawberry Gashes-JOJ
Funeral For Yesterday-Kittie
Honestly OK-Dido
Safe-Kittie


A special thanks to my very dear friend who gave me..uhhh...alot of the songs or introduced me to the artist. I love you, hon!!!!!! :)

Just some thoughts on my mind.

When I am asked about my childhood or think about it, I always think of HIM. Not my mom, not my family. He was a MAJOR part of my childhood if not all of it.HE was always so nice to me. Gave me stuff, paid attention to me,helped me with school, etc. I remember I used to sit and watch him draw/paint. When I had school projects, HE was the one always helping me. He was also the one abusing me and raping me. Hurting me. Making me fear him.


I remember I had a 4-H project due. I had to find something that could be recycled into something else. I had asked Mom to help me. But she declined saying she wasn't any good at artistic stuff. I didn't care about how good it looked. I just wanted her to help me. Something we could've done together. Something ME and HER could be proud of. So, HE said he would help me. I had a half gallon milk carton and I wanted to use it for something. He looked at it and told me what I thought of when I seen the milk carton. When laid down, it was rectangular. A SCHOOL BUS! He said that would be a good idea. He went and got his painting supplies, brought some cardboard to the table, and helped me put together my "recycled" school bus.


Another time, I had a science fair project due. I was in 4th grade. Since we didn't have to do anything big like the older kids, we just had to have a display of something "scientific." I chose to do it on dinosaurs! Mom bought me a posterboard. That's all the "help" I got from her. Again, I wanted her to help me gather information about dinosaurs. I wrote quite a few stuff about dinosaurs in general but chose 2 of my favs. to display on the posterboard. I chose T-Rex and Pterydactyl (spelling?). I wanted Mom to help me draw it and color it. For her to just give encouragement......Again....HE helped me. He even carved me a Pterydactyl out of wood hanging from a hangar. And I got to paint it.


In all of this, Mom was never a part of it. So what if she didn't have the drawing skills or whatever. Did she really think that mattered to a child, to me?!? Hell no it didn't! I just wanted her to BE THERE and BE A PART OF IT. Even if it was just coaching me on what to do. That would've been a part of it. When I was asked who always helped me with my projects, I always put my head down and say, "My daddy." Meh..................

6 yrs. ago this month....*TW*

6 yrs. ago this month, I was gang...raped...The feelings are rapidly switching. Hurt, angry, sad, numb, humiliation and the list goes on. I feel like they are around me. I feel them on me.


I woke up on my back this morning. Instant trigger! Started flashing back. It hurts soo incredibly much. I'm having urges to SI. I haven't done it in awhile. I don't want this "anniversary" to send me back into it. Then again, I want to rid myself of this emotional pain.

Imma go now..will come back later and update this.

Jabber about weekend.

Weekend was ok. I carved 4 pumpkins. The kid came out in me! I plan on getting more pumpkins. It put me at ease. Didn't have time to think about anything. I spent about a total of 8 hrs. or more on pumpkins of my weekend. Would I do it again? Most definitely! Twas fun and relaxing.

I took some video games and traded them in. Got $32.00 for 4 games. More than I expected. I got Donkey Kong 3 and omg....*drum roll* TETRIS for Nintendo DS. Sooo happy! Besides hours of carving pumpkins, I spent way more hours on Tetris. Who knew that could be oh so addicting.

All in all, my weekend was ok. Up until last night that is. I watched a movie: The Accused. It's about a chick who gets drunk and gets...umm....gang...errr..(hoping ya'll can figure that out.) by 3 guys. Hit way to close to home. I hadn't seen it before. I was triggered and flashing back. I felt like the ones who hurt me where on me...around me...watching me....I took a 45 min. shower scrubbing my body. It was like I couldn't wash them off. The more I scrubbed the harder I done it. Thinking that maybe it would go away. My skin was blood red from scrubbing. My hands hurt from scrubbing so hard.

I'm so tired this morning. I kept waking up. Everytime I did, I got this unsafe feeling. I couldn't tell you how many times I got up to check doors and windows. Everywhere, basically. Blah....

Confused by my mother

So, the other night, my mom was sitting at bottom of my bed. I was sitting near the top of it. I was wearing my jogging-looking shorts. I was sitting "Indian style" and she looked at my legs and asked me if I was a self-harmer! I quickly pulled my blanket over my legs to hide the scars. Kinda shocked me that she asked me that. Me being me completely blew it off. Telling her that I wasn't. While on the inside, for some reason, I wanted to tell her cause it somewhat felt like maybe she did care. I dunno. I hate hiding that part of me. I didn't tell her cause...1) She would think I'm crazy and probably try to put me in a hospital. 2) Me and my mom aren't close like that. We are more of "friends." and honestly, I don't trust her 3) She would run and tell everyone that she knows. I don't want everyone to know that I hurt myself. 4) My mom is most certainly NOT the type of person I tell my personal stuff to. She is pushy and will corner me to know something. And won't leave me alone till I do tell. When she does this, I feel trapped, unsafe, and unrespected. NOT the kind of enviroment I need to talk.

I'm still in shock as to why she asked that. She has seen these scars before but never mentioned a word. Why start caring now, if she even does?!? I'm so confused..does she care or doesn't she? All my life, she has shown me the wrong things. That she doesn't care. And now, when I'm almost 22, she is starting to show she cares, I think? Whatthefuck?!?!?!?!?! So.....friggin.....confused!!!!

All of this has caused me to really think about my mother. Does she care....or doesn't she? If she does care, why not show it my whole life? If she doesn't, why try and show it at all?

Friggin whiskey smell

For some days now, I've been smelling whiskey. The smell has been making me literally sick to my stomach. "Where the hell is that smell coming from?" I wondered to myself. I remember that my mom's ex-bf was an alcoholic. He used to drink whiskey..well, anything...but mainly whiskey. Why am I smelling this?!? Why won't it go away? I smell it when I go to sleep. I smell it when I wake up. It won't go the hell away!

The smell is bringing on flashbacks. I can't stand this. Fucking smell, please please PLEASE, go away! Just leave me alone!