Jabber about weekend.

Weekend was ok. I carved 4 pumpkins. The kid came out in me! I plan on getting more pumpkins. It put me at ease. Didn't have time to think about anything. I spent about a total of 8 hrs. or more on pumpkins of my weekend. Would I do it again? Most definitely! Twas fun and relaxing.

I took some video games and traded them in. Got $32.00 for 4 games. More than I expected. I got Donkey Kong 3 and omg....*drum roll* TETRIS for Nintendo DS. Sooo happy! Besides hours of carving pumpkins, I spent way more hours on Tetris. Who knew that could be oh so addicting.

All in all, my weekend was ok. Up until last night that is. I watched a movie: The Accused. It's about a chick who gets drunk and gets...umm....gang...errr..(hoping ya'll can figure that out.) by 3 guys. Hit way to close to home. I hadn't seen it before. I was triggered and flashing back. I felt like the ones who hurt me where on me...around me...watching me....I took a 45 min. shower scrubbing my body. It was like I couldn't wash them off. The more I scrubbed the harder I done it. Thinking that maybe it would go away. My skin was blood red from scrubbing. My hands hurt from scrubbing so hard.

I'm so tired this morning. I kept waking up. Everytime I did, I got this unsafe feeling. I couldn't tell you how many times I got up to check doors and windows. Everywhere, basically. Blah....

Confused by my mother

So, the other night, my mom was sitting at bottom of my bed. I was sitting near the top of it. I was wearing my jogging-looking shorts. I was sitting "Indian style" and she looked at my legs and asked me if I was a self-harmer! I quickly pulled my blanket over my legs to hide the scars. Kinda shocked me that she asked me that. Me being me completely blew it off. Telling her that I wasn't. While on the inside, for some reason, I wanted to tell her cause it somewhat felt like maybe she did care. I dunno. I hate hiding that part of me. I didn't tell her cause...1) She would think I'm crazy and probably try to put me in a hospital. 2) Me and my mom aren't close like that. We are more of "friends." and honestly, I don't trust her 3) She would run and tell everyone that she knows. I don't want everyone to know that I hurt myself. 4) My mom is most certainly NOT the type of person I tell my personal stuff to. She is pushy and will corner me to know something. And won't leave me alone till I do tell. When she does this, I feel trapped, unsafe, and unrespected. NOT the kind of enviroment I need to talk.

I'm still in shock as to why she asked that. She has seen these scars before but never mentioned a word. Why start caring now, if she even does?!? I'm so confused..does she care or doesn't she? All my life, she has shown me the wrong things. That she doesn't care. And now, when I'm almost 22, she is starting to show she cares, I think? Whatthefuck?!?!?!?!?! So.....friggin.....confused!!!!

All of this has caused me to really think about my mother. Does she care....or doesn't she? If she does care, why not show it my whole life? If she doesn't, why try and show it at all?

Friggin whiskey smell

For some days now, I've been smelling whiskey. The smell has been making me literally sick to my stomach. "Where the hell is that smell coming from?" I wondered to myself. I remember that my mom's ex-bf was an alcoholic. He used to drink whiskey..well, anything...but mainly whiskey. Why am I smelling this?!? Why won't it go away? I smell it when I go to sleep. I smell it when I wake up. It won't go the hell away!

The smell is bringing on flashbacks. I can't stand this. Fucking smell, please please PLEASE, go away! Just leave me alone!

Rant..rant...rant...

I'm almost 22 yrs. old. I still live at home with my mom. I CANNOT stand being around her. I can't even be calm while around her. She treats me like I'm a child. Tries to make my decisions for me. Tells me the "you should do this or that". I know I don't always make the best decisions, but damnit, I'm trying. I'm trying to get MY life the way I need it to be. I'm trying to take care of me. That's all I can do, right?!?!

Just the other day,I walk in from work. She starts talking. I get more and more angry the more I listen to her. I had stuff to do and didn't wanna listen anymore. I told her as calmly as I could that I had to get my stuff done. She tells me I shouldn't "treat her that way." Wtf? I tried to hold the anger in, but I can't do that anymore. The anger comes out regardless. It's been bottled up for so long, it just pours out. I started screaming at her. Telling her that I was being as calm and nice as I possibly could. But of course, that wasn't good enough, it NEVER is!!!!Then she said my "attitude sucks." MY attitude sucks? MY friggin attitude? I asked her about her attitude. "(my name) I've always shown you the love and care you needed." YEAH-friggin-RIGHT! I told her I was "sorry I couldn't have the happy upbeat attitude my sis has." "Don't you bring your sister into this. She hasn't done anything to you!" "I will bring my sister into this cause you always act like she's a princess. You always put her up high like she's an angel. What about all those times she cussed and called you all kinds of names? What about you having to pay off her bills when she ran her car into a tree on purpose? How about all those times when she didn't even bother calling you for over a month? I was right there, helping you with your stuff. Calling you everyday to make sure you are ok. Then you wanna get angry with me cause I have stuff to do and need to get it done. You get angry at me for getting angry. You treat me and my sis different. You always have! She's the princess and I'm the evil child...the reject child."

Can't take it anymore. I need to get away from here. Far far far away. I can't take it anymore. I've let her and everyone else run my life. This is MY life, damnit. Not hers, not my stupid bf, MINE MINE MINE!!!!! I'm fed up with people like her. I'm through with them. Not gonna take it anymore. I can't. I'm really gonna lose my mind if I keep living this way. I..can't..live..this...way...anymore. I just can't. So, time to REALLY make changes.

Saw one of them.

I was sitting at a redlight yesterday and I heard someone honking their horn at least 5 times. I usually just ignore it when I hear people honking. But this was getting annoying. So, I turned to look to see who it was. OMG. I wish I had not looked. There he was. One of the guys that "hurt" me at the party. He was staring at me, smiling. He kept waving at me. I quickly turned my head. I started flashing back. I was in a state of panic. Tears were forming in my eyes. I grabbed my cell phone. I made sure all my doors were locked (I keep them locked at all times, but I just needed to make sure.) Made sure my windows were up. I didn't feel safe. Thankfully, the light turned green and I sped off. I kept looking out my rear view and side mirrors to make sure he wasn't following me. Everytime someone pulled up beside me, I panicked. I kept looking around me, making sure he wasn't near me. I didn't wanna go home and him follow me.

I finally managed to get home. Had to put on a "happy face." Blah. There was no happy. There was only fear, panic, and flashbacks. It took me along time to "get back to reality." I kept holding ice cubes. I was having urges to SI. There was so much emotional pain. I didn't SI though.

I'm alittle better today. Just the thought of seeing him...I didn't even wanna leave the house today for the fear of seeing him again. Or any of them for that matter. I just wanted to hide in my closet all day. I feel weak.

Party at 16

This is so humiliating to tell. So much shame and blame. But I need to get it out of my head.
*****TRIGGER WARNING*******
So, it was a Saturday night in November. It was me, J, T, T's wife, M, his wife and his brother and his brother's gf were all there. "M" said they were going bowling and wanted all 4 of us to go. My mom had no clue where I was except that I was staying with this guy. Not that we were going "midnight bowling". Anyway, J's stepdad "T" had always had a thing for me. Always finding a way to touch me or stuff like that.Well, Little did I know that M had also taken a liking to me. M kept looking at me. I could see his blank stares from the corner of my eye. (I HATE that blank stare) I never left J's side. I was always beside him.I didn't play bowling or anything. I just stood there, watching others play and trying to watch people around me. To cut this part short, we all left and 3 of them were completely wasted.The ride back to M's trailor was somewhat quiet. M's brother was stupidly drunk and kept startling me and touching my shoulders. His gf finally told him stop. She said I had her permission to hit him at anytime. When we got back to M's house, his brohter and gf left. (he was too damn wasted. I can still remember the smell of alcohol on him) Me, J, T, M, T's wife, and M's wife all decided to listen to music(System of a Down's cd Toxicity) and hang out.I started saying how I wanted to get drunk. Then J started saying it. So, T said he had...*deep breathe* Jagermeister in the trunk of his car. Me and J went out to get the bottle. Came back in. I opened the Jagermeister as soon as I sat down. I started chugging it. I didn't realize how quick it would hit me. It was my first time actually getting drunk. I drank more than half of bottle of the alcohol.I also drank some Vodka with it. I remember my head kinda rolling around, like I couldn't control my every move. When I was drinking, I remember craving ciggerates really bad. T, J, and M were all waiting on me, like they were my bartenders. M was always the one to wait on me before anyone else. I thought nothing of it. I should've thought it was strange because he was well over my age. Hell, I was a baby compared to everyone else. Anyways, I remember I started to feel incredibly dizzy, like I was spinning uncontrollably.

It was then that I felt a hand on me, T's hand. He was taking his hand and resting it upon my left knee cap. Then he would kinda slowly rub my leg till he was...."down there". I felt his hands on my breasts too. I just kept pushing his hand away and telling him to stop. He always done this, and would eventually stop. But this time, he didn't. He kept doing it and doing it. I was getting really freaked out. I started passing in and out. Feeling hands on me and then none and then all over again.I don't remember how, but the next thing I know, I'm laying on the floor on my back. I felt really hot. I don't remember moving to the floor. They all kept telling me i was laying in front of the heater, that I was gonna burn my clothes. Someone, I dunno who, helped me back up to the couch after the countless times of me trying by myself.Again, I passsed out. (This is where some stuff gets blurry. I'm gonna kinda keep it short.) I wake up and I'm laying on my back with my head slightly rested on the arm of the couch. Only, my pants were down to my feet, bra unhoooked, and shirt to my neck. I looked at my clothes, fixed them, and sat there adn wondered, "what happened." I looked around at them adn they were all staring at me. I just sat there, wanting to disappear. Something didn't feel right. I can't explain it, but it felt wrong. Just being in that room was making me sick. I wanted to cry, but I didn't know what happened, still don't know most of it.

(i didn't start having the memories of this till earlier in the year)when I blacked out that last time, I was..........gang.....r****....I remember being on my back, someone had my hands pinned together above my head. I could hear and feel things, but it's like I couldn't see. I couldn't move. I felt someone trying to take my pants off me. Then, my underwear. I kept saying "no" "stop" "please don't."I was kicking my legs around, trying to get away, trying to get them off me. I felt someone get on top of me, and a sharp pain down there.Someone's hand was over my mouth. I screamed. They whispered in my ear, "Just lay still." It was "M". Then he told "t" to take his turn. Then "T" told "J" to take his turn. All 3 of them raped me. I was in so much pain. I was crying. Wanting it to all be over. I think that is when I woke up and my clothes were a mess on me. Anyway.....

Alot starts going blank here....I remember the cops coming cause the music was incredibly loud. The cops (2 of them)said there was a complaint about the music being too loud. They seen me sitting on the loveseat and started asking me questions. They asked me name, i told them. they asked if I was a runaway I said no. They asked if my mom knew where I was. I told them yes. (she didn't know where I REALLY was.) While they were asking me all these questions, it seems to me that they forgot why they came to begin with. Once they said they had a noise violation and seen me, it was all about me. I wanted so bad to tell them, or to just take me home. Just get me away. But I didn't say anything. I listened as their car sped off. Fear over took me.

I was on the loveseat and "J" hollered for me. I didn't know at the time, or maybe I just ignored it, but I remember M telling J to holler for me to come over there with them. (J and M were sitting on the couch.) I crawled over there cause I couldn't walk. I got over to J and I just laid my head on his lap. I don't remember where T is at this time. The music was turned off adn the t.v. was alittle quiet. I remember M putting his hand on the outside of my pants were my ass is. He started rubbing my ass..He then tried to pull my pants down. I moved his hand away and said, "Stop." He stopped for what seemed like a second and then his hands went more places. He stuck his hand in the front of my pants and inserted a finger inside...."me". I heard someone behind me. It was T. He came up behind me and started rubbing "himself" on my ass while M fingered me. I cried out in pain. They were being rough with me. Like I was a play toy to them. The whole time this was going on, my head was still on J's lap. He just sat there. Didn't help me or anything.Then, everything goes black. I come too and I'm on the couch. I feel sick to my stomach and I tried to walk to the door, but I fell in the floor. I told them I thought I was going to be sick. M told J to take me outside. I was leaning over the porch rails, dry heaving. I was shivering. It was so cold. I just wanted to go home. I hear the front door close. J left me outside. I hear it open again and there is M. He goes to the other side of the porch and starts to urinate off the poarch. I'm still hanging over the rails, dry heaving so much. I felt so weak. I remember I looked over at M too see what he was doing and he had his "thing" hanging out of his pants. I hurriedly turned my head. It made me so sick to see that. M came up behind me, grabbed my hips, and started rubbing himself on my ass while I was bent over the rails dry heaving. I remember he forced me to give him oral sex on the poarch. Then...he raped me....I don't remember what happens after that. I don't remember getting back to T's house. When I woke up the next morning, J and T were standing over me, smiling. I woke up and wanted to freak out. I had memories of what had happened, but not that much. Hell, I barely remembered anyting. Only that I had been touched.

M came over after that. He asked me if I remember what he done to me. He seemed proud of it. I just looked up at him and said Alittle. . He had this quirky smile. J, M, and T all laughed and giggled about what had happened when I had went outside to smoke. The fact that they were laughing about it just made the humiliation even worse.

Crappy Day

Today really sucks. I'm so friggin tired. I didn't sleep hardly last night. I got maybe 3 hrs. I kept waking up from nightmares. I would wake up, crying and shaking. This happened all night long.

I'm triggered today. I read a magazine article last night I shouldn't have read. I felt fine, so I read it. I got done reading it and I started flashing back to when I was 16 at the party I got "hurt" at. I call it "hurt" cause I can't say the true word for it. It was about "date r***". The article was too much for me. It described me and how I feel about that party.

Anyway, I couldn't keep myself grounded. I couldn't keep track of what was real and what wasn't. Where I was and where I wasn't. That is what lead me to have nightmares I think. Not only that, but nighttime is the worst part of the day for me. It's something I can't avoid.

My poor dog...I think I scared the crap out of her. I was zoning out, and she laid her head on my left leg. OMG, I jumped and screamed, "No". Thankfully, my mom was outside. I can't have anything or anyone touching my left leg. She just went and laid on her bed and watched me from a distance. (she can tell when I'm upset and she tries to keep me happy.)


It's raining, I'm tired, I'm flashing back. I'm having urges. Ahhhh, I want this to stop. I want the day to be over. . Grrrr.........