Just some pics of how I'm feeling at the moment.

This is how I've always felt. I could be in a room full of people who I know love me, and still feel this way.



Well, that one says it all.....

Umm..yeah.....

This one is for my Mom, mainly. When she can tell something is wrong, she ask "What's wrong?" I tell her "Nothing." I've tried to tell her a bunch of times just how I was feeling years ago and I got the same thing. She either didn't pay attention or she just started talking. So, even if I did tell her, she wouldn't listen nor care.

Blah..

For some days (ok.. years) I have been wondering about my biological father. I don't know anything about him, not even his name. I was told in I think, 8th grade, that he left because he didn't want me. A few years after that, I founds some baby pics of me and on the back it said, "I Love You (my name) Love U, Daddy." But...if he wasn't around, that shouldn't be written on the back of my pic. So, that makes me wonder...what really happened.

I was looking through stuff later on in 8th grade and found some court papers. It was Child Support papers. It said "Missing Parent" then someone's name. I don't know if that is my dad or my sister's dad. (as I'm told, we have separate dad's). So, this just made me wonder even more.

It hurts alot to not know my father. I know the one person who knows the truth: my mother. Me talking to her is like talking to a brick wall. She doesn't listen and doesn't care. I've been thinking about asking her for over a week now. I got the courage one night, then I asked her "Mom, can I ask you something?" She said yes..but I started panicking, couldn't breathe..and said, "nevermind."

I wrote her a letter after that and wanted to give it to her, but I burned it. I've thought about just leaving her a letter with my baby pics. I don't know how to approach this with her.

I'm stuck. I wanna know, but I don't. on a scale of 1-10 of wanting to know..I'd say I'm at a 13. It's just asking that makes me nervous . I don't know what to do.....I feel so lost..I dont even know why i'm posting this.....

Conversations With My 13 Yr. Old Self-by Pink

This song really speaks for me.

Conversations with my thirteen year old self
Conversations with my thirteen year old self

You're angryI know this
The world couldn't care less
You're lonelyI feel this
And you wish you were the best
No teachers Or guidance
And you always walk alone
You're crying
At night when
Nobody else is home

Come over here and let me hold your hand and hug you darling
I promise you that it won't always feel this bad
There are so many things I want to say to you
You're the girl I used to be
You little heartbroken thirteen year old me

You're laughing
But you're hiding
God I know that trick too well
You forget
That I've been you
And now I'm just the shell I promise
I love you and
Everything will work out fine
Don't try to
Grow up yet
Oh just give it some time

The pain you feel is real you're not asleep but it's a nightmare
But you can wake up anytime
Oh don't lose your passion or the fighter that's inside of you
You're the girl I used to be
The pissed off complicated thirteen year old me

Conversations with my thirteen year old self
Conversations with my thirteen year old self

Until we meet again
Oh I wish you well oh
I wish you well
Little girlUntil we meet again
Oh I wish you well
Little girlI wish you well
Until we meet again
My little thirteen year old me

My mask and what's beneath it.

My mask:
If you were to see me in public, you'd see a "happy" face. A girl who has it together. A girl who loves life and all the joy it brings. A goofy girl who doesn't care what people think of her.

Beneath the mask:
Now, if you were to take off my mask, you'd see a terrified girl. There is only a hint of happiness. Feelings of shame, guilt, and fear take over her. She is scared of being known to the world. Doesn't trust that easily. One that internalizes all her feelings cause they don't matter. She shouldn't speak about them. No one cares. A girl that hurts soo deeply. She cuts and burns herself to rid herself of the pain. But at the same time, she feels she deserves it. She is afraid of what people think of her. She hates life. She doesn't like being here.She feels unloved, unwanted, a freak. She wants too fly away and be free.

There's more, but that's it for now.

The need for love..

My biological father left before I was born. (or so I'm told.I think it's deeper than that.) I never knew this till I was in 5th grade. Looking back now, all I ever wanted was to feel loved. My sister had my mom's love, but I didn't. I felt so alone, so unloved, so unwanted. Until he came around......

My mom had met him at a factory that they both worked at. When I first met him, I was fearful of him. After seeing him a few times, he started giving me all kinds of stuff like coloring utensils, sketch pads, etc. He had a pet iguana I had been eyeing for a long time. One day, he told me I could hold Iggy. I felt so special cause no one else had got to hold him. He finally trusted me enough to let me help clean Iggy's cage. I felt like a daughter that had FINALLY found a father.

He eventually moved in with us. Quit working and made small amounts of money selling his artwork. He was always home. I was 4 when the abuse started. He started out by kissing me, touching me when no one was around, and telling me not to tell. I wanted to be loved so bad. I thought that if I told, he wouldn't love me anymore. And I didn't want that to happen.

Shortly after he began touching me, he started raping me. Mainly at nighttime. When I was little, I had always woke up and felt like someone had just been in my room. I felt afraid and was in pain.Looking back now, I know that it was cause he had just been in my room. Only I didn't have the memories till now.

He had been put in jail a few times. Bad checks or something. When he was gone, I felt alone and unloved. When he was around, I felt loved and special. It was like no matter what he done, I still felt loved by him. He always told me I was his special girl...daddy's girl..The need for love led me to be abused by him for 9 yrs. There is sooo much more to write, but I don't have the energy nor the strength to do so.